


Home

by quesera



Series: Home [3]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Linstead Reunion, au-ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-07-16 07:52:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16081739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quesera/pseuds/quesera
Summary: Jay thought she was gone forever. He never expected to see Erin back in Chicago.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot accept any reality where they don’t get together in the end, so it’s reunion time (I’ll never let goooooooo)

_And all the roads that lead you there are winding  
And all the lights that light the way are blinding _

—Wonderwall (Oasis)

 

Erin was nervous as she started packing her suitcase. While the idea of going back to Chicago exhilarated her, she was also feeling completely overwhelmed by her fears of seeing everyone again after so long. They were once her family. If Erin was being honest, she still considered them family, even though she hadn’t seen or spoken to most of them in years.

She’d stayed in touch with Hank, obviously—he would fly to New York to spend the holidays with her, and they talked on the phone every week or so. And Erin had maintained her friendship with Kim long-distance. They shared frequent texts and calls and emails; Kim had come to visit Erin a couple times a year, and somehow Kim had even managed to persuade Erin to take a week off work to join her for a girls’ trip to Cancun a few months earlier.

But beyond that, Erin hadn’t connected with anyone else from her old life. Hank and Kim had tried to keep her in the loop a bit though. She knew that Antonio and Sylvie Brett were married now—Erin had been surprised by that relationship when Kim first told her, but she was really happy for them, they were both great people. Erin had heard stories about Atwater and Upton getting together, and then about their subsequent—amicable—breakup. She’d been told about Al and Meredith’s marriage woes over the last few years; they’d managed to push through the pain of losing Lexi and the surprise of Michelle coming into Al’s life, and somehow came out stronger than ever before.

The only person she didn’t know about was  _him_.

Erin had wanted to ask Hank or Kim countless times over the years, but she knew she couldn’t. They hadn’t been in contact since that fateful day four years ago when she’d left everything behind. So much had changed, but the one remaining constant in Erin’s life was the way she felt about him. She’d tried to get over him, and sometimes she had even thought she was. But then she’d see something that reminded her of him, and her heart went flying back to him again.

Erin wondered what his life was like now, wondered how he would react to seeing her again.

_Would he be surprised?_

_Would he hate her?_

_Would he be happy to see her?_

She zipped up her suitcase, shrugged into her jacket, and walked out the door of her apartment. As she slid into the backseat of the yellow taxi cab heading for the airport, one thing was clear:

Erin was about to find out.

*

Jay woke early that morning, before the sun had even started to shine into the window of his bedroom. Just like every other day. He wasn’t even sure why he bothered setting an alarm anymore; he was always awake long before it went off. He slowly rose from the bed, trying not to wake her as he carefully made his way toward the bathroom to take a shower.

After drying himself off, Jay wrapped the towel around his waist before pulling his toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet. While he brushed, he leaned against the doorway between the bedroom and bathroom, just watching her sleep.

She was beautiful. He’d always known that, and even after all these years, her beauty still amazed him sometimes. Her hair was fanned out on her pillow like a halo, and the faintest smile adorned her face as she slept peacefully.

As he stared at her, Jay thought about their relationship. They had been apart for so long; sometimes he still couldn’t believe they’d actually found their way back to each other. To say he’d been surprised when he found out she was back in Chicago would be an understatement.

It had been four years since he’d last set eyes on her, and they hadn’t so much as spoken during that time. Jay had no idea what was happening in her life, but he wanted to know everything. It was strange at first; starting over with someone you shared so much history with. But they had moved beyond all of that, and their history—both together and apart—had just made their relationship stronger this time around.

Jay stepped back toward the sink to spit out his toothpaste, rinsing off his toothbrush before putting it away. Tidy and methodical as usual; it had been years since his time in the military, but the habits he’d learned were unbreakable. He quickly swiped on some deodorant before moving back into the bedroom.

Again his gaze landed on her, this time trailing from her face further down her body, ultimately stopping on her hand. Specifically, her left hand, fourth finger. Jay’s mind drifted to the image of a ring glimmering on that finger. He could picture it, and the idea made him smile—a ring would look amazing there.

Jay was ready. He was going to ask Allie Corson to marry him.


	2. Chapter 2

_You’ll sit alone forever_  
_If you wait for the right time_  
_What are you hoping for?_

—23 (Jimmy Eat World)

 

Erin settled back into her seat, trying to get comfortable as she waited for the plane to take off. She offered a sympathetic smile to the frazzled woman in the seat beside her, watching as the woman tried to simultaneously fasten her own seat belt and calm her baby’s cries.

“Do you want some help? I can hold her if you need an extra hand for that?” Erin suggested, extending her arms towards them; she knew how people could get with plans and crying babies. A look of relief washed over the woman’s face as she passed her daughter to Erin. The baby’s wails faded as Erin held her, smiles appearing on both of their faces.

Once the woman had herself situated and buckled in, she reached to take her daughter back into her arms. “You’re great with her, thank you. It’s my first time flying alone with her, still trying to get used to it.” As she settled the infant in her lap, she continued to try to make conversation with Erin. “So, have you ever been to Chicago before?”

“Hmm?” Erin had been staring out the window, looking at the tarmac outside in a daze. “Oh, um, yes. Actually I um… I grew up there.” Her tone was wistful, longing even; the woman took notice and decided to leave Erin alone with her thoughts.

It felt surreal to her that this was actually happening, that she was actually on her way back to Chicago again after all this time. Over the last four years, she’d never even considered going back to visit, and as she sat on that plane, Erin knew that she had stayed away because of _him_.

At first she had more or less forced herself to move on—a couple of one-night stands that she wasn’t particularly proud of had made Erin realize that she’d changed. Somehow she had transformed into a ‘relationship’ kind of girl. So she accepted a few dates, some of which had even led to a second or third. But nothing was ever right with any of those men.

About a year into her tenure with the Counter Terrorism Division, Wheeler had transferred out to a field office in California, and Erin had been assigned a new partner, Alexandra Herrera. She and Erin had become fast friends, to the point that Alex had actually started setting Erin up left and right. Most of those blind dates hadn’t amounted to much of anything—until Nick. There was no doubt that Nick Hughes was a wonderful man. He treated Erin well, and they were happy together. But in typical Erin Lindsay fashion, things started to get serious and she panicked and even tried to end things. Because Nick wasn’t _him_. No one was.

The more she thought about it, the more Erin realized that she was waiting for a reason, for a sign, for something to tell her to go back to Chicago. And until now, it had never come. Until now, she’d managed to convince herself that she was perfectly happy with her life in New York. Until now, she had buried her feelings and told herself it didn’t make sense to ever go back again.

But then they got engaged. They were getting married in a week. And that propelled Erin on a journey back to the city that had once been her whole world—and if she was being honest with herself for once in her life, it still was.

*

Jay sat quietly at the back of a diner in Canaryville, his nerves evidenced by his bouncing leg and the tapping of his fingertips on the table. He found himself looking up in anticipation at every jingle of the bell at the door, anxiously waiting for his breakfast companion to arrive. Jay didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts for any longer than necessary.

The bells chimed a couple more times before Will finally walked into the diner. He glanced around the restaurant and smiled when his gaze eventually landed on his younger brother. Will quickly made his way over to Jay and slid into the booth across from him.

“Hey little brother,” Will said with a grin. Jay returned the greeting and immediately reverted back to his fidgeting. A kindly waitress came by and filled their coffee mugs before either of them had a chance to say another word. “Um, what’s up Jay? Everything okay?” Will shot him a curious glance as he took a sip of his coffee.

“I’m going to ask Allie to marry me.” Jay blurted out, unable to hold it in any longer.

Will choked on his coffee, spitting the hot liquid everywhere before he blindly reaching for a napkin to wipe his face. “What? You’re joking, right?” But the look on Jay’s face showed Will just how serious he was. “Jay what are you thinking? You guys have been on and off so much, you’ve really only been back together for a few months!”

“So? What does that matter?” Jay responded indignantly. “Allie came back to Chicago out of the blue after so long. She’s back in my life now, there has to be a reason for that.” Jay thought back to that first day when he’d bumped into Allie at the grocery store; they’d spent almost an hour catching up in the cereal aisle, and the conversation had ended with Jay asking her out. They’d been together on and off ever since—their jobs always managed to get in the way of things, so they kept it pretty casual. But then in the last few months, things had finally fallen into place with them. Jay had had a few flings here and there over the years, but nothing else had really ever felt right.

“Bullshit.”

“Excuse me?” Jay tried to bite back the irritation rising in his voice.

“I said _bullshit_.” Will folded his arms across his chest as he leaned back in his seat. “You don’t believe in ‘signs’ and all that ‘everything happens for a reason’ garbage. I know you Jay, that’s not you.”

“I’m ready Will. I can see a future with Allie, marriage, kids, all of it. I want that, I want what you have.” Jay couldn’t help but smile at the thought. Somehow the last few years had transformed Will Halstead from a rebellious, carefree party boy into a happily married doctor with a growing family of his own; Will and Natalie were busy raising Owen, had welcomed a little boy last year, and were expecting another any day.

“I know you do, Jay, but that’s the problem here. You want to take this huge step because you _want_ it to be right, not because it _is_ right.” Will liked Allie well enough, he really did. She was a sweet girl and she made Jay happier than he’d been in a long time. But Will knew there was someone who had made Jay even happier—he couldn’t help but feel like his brother was settling.

“No, you’re wrong. You can’t talk me out of this!” Jay’s voice grew louder as he grew more and more agitated. “I love Allie, Will! And I’m going to buy her a damn ring!”

Will was silent for a moment, taking time to gather his thoughts and try to find another way to get through to Jay. His voice was calm when he spoke again. “That’s the thing, Jay. You already have a ring. _Mom’s ring_. If this was right you’d be using it. And I think we both know the reason you aren’t.”

“Who fucking cares what you think!” Jay stood abruptly, slamming some cash on the table to cover his coffee.

“Jay, come on. I’m just trying to look out for you here!”

“Well I didn’t ask for that, did I?” He was already pulling his jacket over his shoulders; as he turned to leave, he felt Will grab his arm to stop him.

“Please just think about this a little more. I don’t want to see you do something you’ll regret, I don’t want you to settle. I just want you to be _happy_.”

“I _am_ happy Will!” With that, Jay shook his arm out of his brother’s grasp and stalked out of the diner.


	3. Chapter 3

_When you’re on your own  
_ _When you’re at a fork in the road_  
You don’t know which way to go

—All I Can Do (Chantal Kreviazuk)

 

Erin’s plane landed at O’Hare in the early afternoon. She pulled her carry-on bag from the overhead bin and disembarked, quickly heading down to baggage claim. As she wove her way through the crowded airport, she checked her cell for messages. Even though she had been cleared to take some time off work, Erin didn’t want to miss any important developments on her ongoing cases.

Sure enough, there was an email from Herrera, and Erin had to chuckle as she read it. Her partner knew her too well; instead of updating her about work, Herrera’s message simply read:

_Lindsay. You’re on vacation. Do vacation things. Stop checking your damn emails._

Several text notifications had also appeared on her screen, immediately catching Erin’s eye. One was from Hank—curt and to the point as always—letting her know that he would be at the district late, and that she would be on her own at that evening. Kim had sent a few as well; her texts were filled with emojis to convey her excitement at having her friend back in town, as well as demands that Erin call her right away so they could hang out.

And of course, there were some from Nick—checking in, asking if she was okay, telling her how much he missed her.

Erin couldn’t bring herself to respond; instead snatching her suitcase up from the baggage carousel and rushing outside to hail a cab. As the car sped toward Hank’s house, Erin watched through the windows as the city whirred past. It was equally exciting and terrifying to be back in Chicago.

When the cab parked in front of the Voight house, Erin was immediately pulled back in time to that fateful day when she was fifteen years old and found herself walking up the sidewalk to the only home she had every really known. And somehow all these years later, she felt just as lost as she had that day. As she slipped her key into the lock and let herself inside, Erin felt like she was getting a comforting hug from her past; she hadn’t realized how much she had actually missed it until that moment.

She walked up the creaky staircase to her old bedroom; it looked exactly as she remembered. The queen-sized bed adorned with a cozy handmade quilt, a few band posters still tacked up on the walls, and that old window that still shook almost violently in the wind. It was comforting; somehow, even when it felt like _everything_ had changed, it seemed that some things would always remain the same.

Erin stretched out on the bed, slowly drifting off to sleep.

It was nearly dusk when she woke, the sound of Hank’s gravelly voice echoing through the old house had jostling her from her deep slumber. She was just climbing off the bed when she heard a gentle knock at the door; Erin quickly told him to come in.

“Hey kid.” Hank extended his arms in greeting, pulling the woman he raised into his arms to give her a hug. The embrace said everything that neither of them could put into words—how much they missed each other, how much they loved each other, how happy they were to be in the same place once again. Phone calls and holiday visits just weren’t enough.

Erin and Hank were quiet for several minutes, just relishing the presence of the only real family either of them had left. Hank finally broke the silence: “So kid, you feel like a steak? I can fire up the grill.”

“Actually,” Erin sighed, running a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling guilty. “I sort of made plans with Kim. I thought you were going to be way later. But I can canc—”

“Say no more. She’s been hanging out in my office all day like a damn puppy waiting to see you. Have fun.” Hank leaned to kiss the top of Erin’s head before leaving the room.

Erin grabbed her toiletry bag and walked into the adjacent bathroom to freshen up. She washed her face and put on some light makeup—just enough to hide the fact that she’d spent several hours on an airplane that day—then moved back into her bedroom to pull another outfit from her suitcase. She was meeting Kim at a cocktail bar downtown, so Erin changed into something more appropriate for the venue; a pair of dark jeans and a shimmery top would do the trick. She grabbed her clutch, phone and keys and slipped on a pair of heels, calling a quick goodbye to Hank as she dashed out the front door and into the waiting cab.

To say Kim was excited to see Erin would be the understatement of the century; the hostess actually had to ask her to keep it down, apparently some of the other patrons had complained about her shrieks of joy. Once Kim had calmed down, they ordered drinks and a few appetizers. They made idle chitchat until their waiter brought their cocktails over.  

As Kim sipped her martini, she shifted the conversation, asking about the one thing Erin had been dreading: “Okay, now tell me about Nick.”

*

Jay had taken a rare day off; he’d always been devoted to work, but the last four years had practically found him married to the job. But Allie had some vacation time to use before the end of the quarter, so they had decided to spend the day together. They slept late, made breakfast together, and took a leisurely trip to the grocery store—a low-key day that no one would ever classify as interesting. And it wasn’t, really.

Interesting and exciting would never be words used to describe the relationship between Jay Halstead and Allie Corson. Sure, they had their moments of unbridled passion, but for the most part things were mellow—mundane even. But Jay was okay with that; he had always liked routine, knowing exactly what to expect, not having to worry about the rug being pulled out from under him at any given moment. Things were just _easy_ with Allie.

The afternoon was spent ducking in and out of little shops downtown; Allie wanted to buy a new dress, and Jay was focused on finding the perfect birthday gift for Will and Natalie’s youngest little boy. Jay absolutely doted on his nephews, living for every moment he could spent with Owen and Lucas. Once both Jay and Allie had completed their purchases, they ducked home to clean up and get changed before Jay drove them across the city to his brother’s house.

As Jay drove, Allie reached out her hand, covering his with her own in a simple act of affection. Jay pulled his gaze away from the road to meet hers, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. There was no conversation on the drive to Will and Natalie’s; Allie was singing softly to the pop songs playing over the radio, and Jay was too busy trying to organize the thoughts flooding through his mind.

His conversation with Will the other day was _supposed_ to be reassuring. Will was _supposed_ to tell Jay how excited he was for him, how happy he was at the prospect of officially welcoming Allie into their family. Will _wasn’t_ supposed to try to talk him out of the only thing that made sense anymore.

Jay pulled up across the street from Will and Natalie’s house, shifting the vehicle into park and shaking himself from his inner turmoil. As he unbuckled his seatbelt, he looked back at Allie with a smile. “You ready for this madness?” Allie just laughed; while she certainly wasn’t new to the chaos of the Halstead family, this would be her first visit with everyone all together.

They walked hand-in-hand from the car to Will and Natalie’s front door. Moments after Jay knocked, they were greeted by six-year-old Owen. “Uncle Jay!” The little boy leapt into his arms.

“Hey buddy!” Jay laughed at the child’s enthusiasm.

“Owen? What have we told you about answering the— _oh_!” Natalie had followed her oldest son; she interrupted her reprimand when she saw Jay and Allie standing in the foyer. “Hi guys, sorry, I’m having a hard time keeping up these days!” She moved her hand to rest along her belly; she was just days away from her due date.

Jay shifted Owen onto his left hip, kissing his sister-in-law’s cheek as he stretched his right arm to pull her into a hug. “Hey Nat, you’re looking great!”

“You don’t have to lie to me Jay; I know I’m a whale.” Natalie pulled out of the hug and reached out to say hello to Allie. Though the two women had met a few times, they didn’t really know each other all that well. “Well, come on in, the birthday boy is getting restless already.” As Natalie waddled out of the entryway, Jay set Owen down on the floor. He took Allie’s jacket and hung it in the closet with his own before they let Owen drag them along to the living room.

“Jay, Allie, hey!” Will rose from his seat on the floor to greet his younger brother and the woman that would apparently be his sister-in-law one day.

“And there’s the man of the hour!” Jay crouched down to lift his youngest nephew up off of the floor. “Hey Lucas, how are you already _two_ little dude?” The toddler giggled wildly as his uncle tickled him, hiding his face in Jay’s shoulder.

The next few hours were spent celebrating the youngest Halstead. Will and Natalie’s living room was crowded with family; along with Jay and Allie, Natalie’s parents had flown in from Seattle for the occasion. Everyone’s focus was on little Lucas, which was a welcome reprieve for Jay—he had absolutely no interest in talking to Will.

In fact, if it wasn’t for his nephew’s birthday party, Jay wouldn’t even be in the same _room_ with his brother. He was pissed. Leave it to Will to try to act all righteous and tell him what to do. What did he know anyway? Of course Allie was the right one for him, Jay was sure of it.

There was no way Will was right. He couldn’t be.


	4. Chapter 4

_You look as good as the day I met you  
_ _I forget just why I left you, I was insane  
_ _Stay and play that Blink-182 song_  
That we beat to death in Tucson, okay

 _I know it breaks your heart  
_ _Moved to the city in a broke-down car  
_ _And four years, no call  
_ _Now I’m looking pretty in a hotel bar_  
And I can’t stop

—Closer (Chainsmokers ft. Halsey)

 

_“Okay, now tell me about Nick.”_

Nick Hughes had come up occasionally during Erin and Kim’s frequent phone conversations, but they had never discussed him in much detail. Erin usually changed the subject pretty quickly whenever his name was mentioned; she had never really felt all that comfortable talking about her personal life. All Kim knew was his name and that he and Erin had been seeing each other for the last several months.

So Erin told Kim everything.

She told her that her partner had set them up on a blind date. She told her that they had gone out every single night for a week after that first date. She told her that they had fallen so easily in sync with each other, it felt as though they could read each other’s minds and finish each other’s sentences, as cliché as it sounded. Erin told her how wonderful Nick was—he worked as a dentist, coached a local Little League team and did volunteer work. He was kind and caring and compassionate. Nick really was _wonderful_ ; everyone kept telling Erin how lucky she was to have found him—the perfect man. And it was true, she was lucky, especially when she considered the string of not-so-great relationships she’d been in over the last couple years.

Erin also told Kim that she had ended it.

But Erin didn’t tell her why. Nick had uttered those three little words that most women were dying to hear— _I love you_ . But Erin Lindsay wasn’t most women. Those three little words only served to throw her off balance, plaguing her with questions and doubt and uncertainty. Because she had only ever heard those words from one other man. And she definitely couldn’t imagine herself saying them back. Not that day, _not ever_.

It turned out that Hank had been right about Erin all along—she always left a string of broken hearts in her wake. And evidently that included her own. She had cried and cried when she finally broke things off with Nick, the guilt overwhelming her. Erin _wanted_ to love him, she really did. But she just couldn’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair to him, when someone else still held a piece of her heart; maybe even the whole damn thing.

After Erin’s confession, Kim had pulled her into a comforting hug, holding the embrace for several minutes until Erin started to pull away. Kim understood that that meant she was done with the subject, so they moved on to other topics of conversation. Well, to the _only_ other topic Kim had on her mind: her upcoming wedding.

Kim Burgess and Adam Ruzek were engaged. They were getting married in a week.

*

The days that followed were a whirlwind; once Kim’s sister arrived in Chicago, the three women were constantly on the move. Erin spent most of her waking hours running all over the city helping with last-minute wedding preparations. Since Intelligence’s caseload was too heavy for Kim and Adam to _both_ be off work, Erin and Nicole stepped up as much as possible. There were seating charts to organize, appointments with the caterer, final dress fittings, and too many other tedious tasks to count.

Erin was happy to help her friend, and she was certainly looking forward to the wedding, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty about how little time she had spent with Hank. She was _finally_ back in Chicago, and though they had certainly tried to see each other as much as possible, wedding preparations and Hank’s gruelling hours at the district meant that they were merely two ships passing in the night.

A few nights before the wedding, Kim invited her to dinner with Adam, and Erin was unbelievably nervous to see him again. It reminded her of how she felt as she typed that first text to Kim from New York, longing for that connection to her old life, but fearful of the reaction her presence would illicit. She felt pangs of guilt when she remembered that she had just left without so much as a goodbye to _anyone_.

But Ruzek was his usual cheery self; the moment he saw Erin he swept her up into his arms in a bear hug. “Lindsay! We’ve missed you girl! If I’d known all it would take to get you back to Chicago was for me and Burgess to get hitched, well, I would have proposed ages ago!”

Erin shook her head in amusement, chuckling at his words as she pulled out of his embrace. “I missed you too!”

As the three of them settled into their seats and opened their menus, Erin was amazed at how _normal_ it felt. It was surprisingly easy to slide back into the friendly conversation and the witty banter and the stories about crazy cases. For a little while it actually felt like she had never left.

But then his name came up. _Jay_.

After a few drinks, Ruzek was talking even more candidly than usual. He yammered on and on about his bachelor party, mentioning how much fun he had going out to celebrate with Kevin and Jay and the other guys. _Jay_.

Erin was startled by it; just hearing his name had such a profound effect on her. She hated how those three letters could be strung together into the one word that made her feel like her heart was stopping and beating out of control at the same time. _Jay_.

She ran her fingers through her hair, taking a sip of her drink to try to hide her reaction to the information. Erin didn’t know why she was surprised. _Of course_ he would be there; he was one of Ruzek’s best friends.

When she glanced across the table, her eyes met Kim’s. For a moment Erin thought her friend had noticed her reaction, and she worried that Kim was going to say something about it. But fortunately, the waitress came by with their entrees, immediately shifting the focus; Erin had never been happier to have a plate of food placed in front of her in her entire life.

*

Jay and Allie had barely seen each other since Lucas’ birthday party. Her firm was litigating a major corporate case, so she was often at the office until the wee hours of the morning. It had been a tough week for Intelligence too; the team had been working almost round the clock to bring down a drug smuggling ring. These particular suspects were smarter than usual, and had continuously managed to evade capture. Intelligence finally made a break in the case, though the cause was less than fortunate; they were doing surveillance on one of the deals and it went south, _way south_. The suspect tried to flee the scene and ended up killing several innocent bystanders when he drove his truck through a crowded sidewalk.

When they finally wrapped up at the district that evening, Jay wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and sleep for days—but he had promised the guys he would go out for drinks. Jay wasn’t sure why he’d agreed; he was pretty sure they had all had enough alcohol to last a couple lifetimes at Ruzek’s bachelor party the weekend before.

But Jay still wound up at Molly’s. He had only planned to have a few drinks, but Ruzek persuaded him to indulge, ordering round after round. “Come on Halstead, live a little!”

“Guys, it’s a _Thursday_.” Jay chuckled, shaking his head at their antics.

“Yeah man, but just we closed a huge case!” Atwater chimed in, handing Jay another drink. “We can go in late tomorrow!”

So Jay let himself be persuaded again, and it wasn’t long before all three men were completely drunk, laughing wildly at a table tucked away at the back of the pub.

“Halstead, you’re embarrassing us!” Atwater reached across the table and playfully shoved Jay’s shoulder. “You’re giggling like a damn schoolgirl!”

“But Kev, I’m having _fuuuuun_!” Jay defended in an almost sing-song voice. Most of the time Jay was pretty responsible with his alcohol consumption. He recognized that he had overindulged in the past—leading to some questionable decisions—so for the most part he kept his drinking to a minimum. But on the rare occasion when he threw caution to the wind? Jay was like a different person. He was a surprisingly goofy drunk; his voice would grow louder and louder as he spoke without a filter, laughing uncontrollably at anything and everything.

Ruzek had been sitting quietly for a minute or two when he interrupted Jay and Atwater’s conversation. “Hey, that girl actually looks a bit like Lindsay, don’t you think?” Ruzek observed, nodding his head toward a group of women near the bar as he tipped back the last of what was probably his eight or ninth beer.

Jay nearly choked on his own drink at Ruzek’s question. He quickly collected himself and chuckled, keeping his voice even and casual. “What? What would she be doing here?”

“Dude she’s in town for the wedding!” Ruzek laughed. “She’s one of Kim’s bridesmaids. You’re okay with that, right man?”

“What? Oh totally, I’m good. I’m over her! Besides I’m with Allie and we’re going to get _married_!” Jay’s inebriated state had him talking so loud he was practically shouting.

The volume of Jay’s voice drew Herrmann’s attention from the bar, and the firefighter wove his way through the crowd to their table. “Hey fellas, I’m going to call you a couple of cabs, okay? I think you’ve all had _more_ than enough for one night!” He chuckled as he clapped his palm against Jay’s shoulder.

By the time the detectives had paid their tabs and thrown on their jackets, three taxis were waiting out front. They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways.

*

Kim and Adam’s wedding was being held in a ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria hotel in downtown Chicago, and they had gathered their wedding party there for a rehearsal the evening before the ceremony. Their wedding planner, Cindy Kincaid, was a fascinating woman; even wearing stilettos, she was barely five feet tall, and yet her presence was commanding—the woman could probably intimidate even the likes of Hank Voight. Cindy had corralled Kim, Nicole and Erin in the bridal suite adjacent to the hall while she got the men situated.

Jay was running late; his night of drinking had left him with a nasty headache, so he’d been unusually slow to finish his paperwork that day. He arrived to see Ruzek and Atwater already standing uncomfortably near the arch at the front of the ballroom.

“You! You’re late.” Cindy scolded; she sounded like a schoolteacher reprimanding a misbehaving student.

Jay was surprised by the strict tone of her voice as he struggled to put together a response: “I’m sorry, um, ma'am? I… I uh—”

“No time for chit-chat, hurry up,” she snapped, motioning for Jay to come closer. When he arrived by her side, Cindy practically shoved him into position beside Atwater. She forcefully adjusted his posture until it suited her liking before stepping back to look at them collectively and uttering an almost menacing warning: “None of you move!” With that, she dashed away to direct the bridal party.

The three women were trying to relax in the bridal suite when Cindy burst into the room. Their conversation ended abruptly as she beckoned for them to follow her. “Alright ladies, this way.” She barked orders like a drill sergeant— _Hold your hands like this! Don’t walk too fast! Stand up straight!_ —before throwing open the ballroom’s double doors. Cindy switched on the music and urged Erin forward down the aisle. “Come on, come on, let’s get the show on the road.”

The guys had been joking around with each other while they waited, but the sound of the processional music echoing through the hall quickly captured their attention. They shuffled back into their proper positions and watched for the bridal party to approach them.

And that’s when it happened.


	5. Chapter 5

_Oh now feel it comin’ back again  
_ _Like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind  
_ _Forces pullin’ from the center of the earth again_  
I can feel it.

—Lightning Crashes (Live)

 

_And that’s when it happened._

Jay Halstead and Erin Lindsay were face to face for the first time in four years.

As Erin carefully made her way down the aisle—doing her best to ignore Cindy’s bossy whispers from behind her—she was in what could only be described as a daze. She felt like she was being propelled forward by some unseen force, an almost magnetic pull was urging her closer and closer to him, like she no longer had control over her own body.

When she finally arrived at the front of the room, all she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms. It was as though time was standing still; there he was, right in front of her after all this time. And of course he looked just as handsome as she remembered. She couldn’t help but stare—seeing him in a damn henley and dark jeans had her flying back to when everything was perfect. For the first time that day, Erin actually welcomed the sound of Cindy barking orders at her, telling her to get into position, breaking her from her daze.

Nicole and Kim were next to follow Erin’s path down the aisle. Her parents’ flight had been delayed, so Kim practiced her big entrance alone. Once the ladies were all standing by the arch, Cindy adjusted their posture, and then began hissing instructions on how to make the proper exit. She pulled Kim forward, forcefully positioned Adam’s arm to her liking, and urged them forward. She did the same for Nicole and Kevin. And then it was Erin and Jay’s turn.

Cindy grabbed Erin’s arm and linked it through the crook of Jay’s elbow; it took every ounce of strength Erin had to steady her breathing and focus on walking forward. Jay had rolled up his sleeves and the bare skin of his forearm practically burned against hers—Erin thought she might actually burst into flames at any moment. She glanced up at Jay out of the corner of her eye; his face was rigid, stoic even. Erin couldn’t read him at all, and it terrified her. She used to be able to take one look at him and read every feeling in his heart and every thought running through his mind. But everything was different now.

Jay didn’t give Erin the opportunity to say a single word to him; the moment they had joined the others at the back of the hall, he yanked his arm free from hers. He didn’t even look at her as he turned and went over to talk to Ruzek.

*

Erin had hoped they would get a chance to talk at dinner, but Jay quickly took a seat between Nicole and Ruzek, putting himself as far from Erin as possible. He was friendly with the wait staff and chatted a bit with the others, but for the most part he kept his head down, engrossed in his phone as he avoided making eye contact with Erin. They were physically closer than they had been in years, and yet it felt like there were still thousands of miles between them.

She tried to push Jay from her mind, focusing on catching up with Atwater. They chatted about his siblings—his brother had just graduated from college and his sister was the star of her field hockey team—and he mentioned that he’d been seeing an architectural engineer for the last couple months. Erin told him all about her job with the FBI, and how much she had grown to love New York. The conversation was comfortable and felt just like old times.

As everyone was finishing their dessert, Jay abruptly pushed back his chair and stood up. He said a few quick goodbyes before shoving his phone in his back pocket, mumbling something about running an errand before turning in for the night.

It wasn’t long before the others followed suit, gathering their belongings and heading up to their rooms. Kim and Adam had booked suites for their wedding party to stay at the hotel that night. The ladies would need to be up early to get ready, and the guys? Well, Adam just thought it would be fun to hang out and play poker until they inevitably threw their suits on twenty minutes before the ceremony.

Erin lingered at the table for a little longer, checking her emails and taking her time to finish her coffee, trying to decompress from the emotional day. She put her phone back in her clutch and slowly made her way toward the elevator, barefoot and clutching her discarded high heels in her left hand.

She stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for her floor. As Erin leaned back against the railing, her eyes fluttered shut for a moment; she was grateful to have the space to herself, and she hoped that it would stay that way. And for a moment it seemed like luck was on her side—until an arm reached between the doors at the last minute, stopping them from closing.

*

Jay had done everything in his power to avoid Erin that evening. He couldn’t let himself look at her, talk to her, even _think_ about her. He knew if he did he would lose whatever semblance of control he had left. Because when he saw her at the other end of that damn aisle, all Jay wanted to do was run over to her, scoop her up into his arms, and never let her go.

He thought she was gone forever. He never expected to see her back in Chicago. And yet there she was, standing right there in front of him. And in the split second he allowed himself to glance over at her, all the feelings he’d tried so hard to push away came crashing back into him like a freight train. He thought he was over her, he was _so_ sure.

He had a girlfriend. A _live-in_ girlfriend. A girlfriend that he loved. A girlfriend that he was planning to marry.

So of course he had somehow managed to confine himself in a fucking elevator with Erin Lindsay.


	6. Chapter 6

_ It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name  
_ _ It sounds so sweet  
_ _ Coming from the lips of an angel  
_ __ Hearing those words it makes me weak

— Lips of an Angel (Hinder)

 

Jay had excused himself early from dinner to put some distance between himself and Erin. He didn’t have a plan, he just knew he needed to get out of there; he left the hotel and just walked around aimlessly—up and down the street, around the block. He didn’t trust himself around her.

But apparently fate had decided to play a cruel joke on him.

As the elevator doors immediately closed behind him, Jay swallowed hard; there was no escape. He was stuck in a six-by-eight box with the woman who threw him entirely off-balance with a single look. When he finally stole a glance in her direction, Jay’s eyes locked on Erin’s for the first time in four years. Every moment they had ever shared flashed through his mind; it felt like no time had passed. He thought he was over her, he had been so sure. But now it felt like they were right back where they once were, right back where they belonged.

Erin’s voice broke the silence, even raspier than usual. “Jay.” At the whisper of his name from her lips, his gaze dropped to her mouth. As he watched her pull her bottom lip between her teeth— _ in nervousness? anticipation? just to fucking torture him? _ —Jay was suddenly overwhelmed by the desire to feel those lips against his own. He drank her in, entranced by the beauty of her sparkling hazel eyes and the flush of pink rising in her cheeks; Erin was more captivating than Jay remembered. And then he just couldn’t stop himself. He couldn’t hold back for another second.

Jay took a step forward, and then another, until he was practically lunging toward her. His left hand landed on her hip and he grabbed hold of her face with his right hand, drawing her even closer to him. The contact left Erin breathless. Her shoes and clutch dropped from her grasp as she reached her hands out to touch him, slowly sliding her palms up along his arms, gripping his biceps for dear life, melting into him.

Neither had time to blink before his lips crashed together with hers; teeth clinking, tongues roaming, their mouths moved together wildly, devouring each other.

Jay moved his left hand from her hip, trailing it along the curve of her body up toward the back of her head, his fingers raking through her hair, pulling her closer still and holding her in place. As he pressed her up against the wall of the elevator, his body flush with hers, the kiss reminded him of the first one they had ever shared, that first night back at his apartment.

They were so close he could feel her heart beating rapidly against him, perfectly in sync with the pounding coming from his own. When the struggle for oxygen finally became too much, Jay swallowed a groan, reluctantly breaking the kiss. He sucked in a quick breath before pressing his lips along her jaw. A soft moan escaped Erin as her eyes fluttered shut, tipping her head to the side to give him better access to her neck. Her fingers danced along his strong shoulders and up to the nape of his neck before slowly sliding them through his hair, scraping her nails against his scalp. It wasn’t long before Erin had had enough of his lips teasing her neck and yanked his mouth back up to her own.

The elevator dinged to signal a stop, and then as quickly as it had started, the moment was over. The sound snapped Jay back to reality and he quickly pulled back from Erin. His fingers danced along his hairline as he tried to steady his breathing. When the doors opened, he turned around and rushed out without a word or even a glance back in her direction.

*

Erin found herself standing alone in the elevator. She took a moment to try to compose herself and steady the conflicting feelings coursing through her. She was stunned and thrilled and unbelievably confused. Jay had kissed her. It was absolutely incredible. And then he just…  _ left _ .

When the elevator stopped again on her floor, she bent down to grab her discarded belongings off the floor, tucking her clutch under her arm and carrying one of her shoes in each hand. She moved slowly through the hallway, and by the time Erin walked into their suite, Kim and Nicole were already dressed in their pajamas. Music was blasting as the two women danced around the room, bobbing their heads to an ‘80s pop song.

“Erin!” Kim certainly didn’t hold back her excitement, her eyes going wide and her mouth turning up in a wide smile as she waved her friend over to join them. “Come dance with us!”

Erin chuckled, shaking her head slightly. “I think I’m just going to turn in early.”

“Is there something wrong?”

“No, no, no. I’m just exhausted.”

“You sure?” Kim had stopped dancing and made her way over to her friend, a look of concern flashing across her face. “You feel okay? You look like you just saw a ghost or something—”

“I’m fine, I promise. Just need some sleep.” Erin said goodnight to Kim and Nicole as she made her way over to her bedroom. Once she was alone, she shimmied out of her cocktail dress and slid between the sheets, not even bothering to wash her face or brush her teeth.

As she lay on her back staring up at the ceiling, Erin’s mind was racing. She found herself wondering what that kiss had meant. She had no idea where Jay’s head was, he still hadn’t actually said a single word to her. And then he took off so quickly—did he regret it?

Even after she pushed those thoughts aside, she couldn’t take her mind off of Jay. How unbelievably gorgeous he looked. How incredible it had felt to be back in his arms after so long. How amazing it was to kiss him, to have his lips and hands on her. And above all, how much she wanted to do it again.

She thought back on that first night they had shared. It had been the start of something incredible. And Erin couldn’t help but feel hope that  _ this  _ night might be the beginning of something even better.

*

Jay had to get out of there. He hadn’t been thinking clearly—he had been intoxicated by Erin Lindsay, and all rational thought flew out the window. He had a girlfriend; he couldn’t go around making out with his ex in a damn elevator.

So he bolted. He didn’t even know what floor they were on, he just knew he needed to put some distance between himself and Erin. He scrubbed his left hand over his face as he headed for the stairs.

As Jay opened the door to the stairwell, his cell phone buzzed. When he pulled it out of his pocket, he saw Allie’s name flash across the screen and was overcome with guilt. He took a deep breath and collapsed onto the nearest step, his thumb hovering over the screen as he tried to decide whether or not to pick up. But she didn’t do anything wrong—he couldn’t just ignore her.

“Allie, hey.”

“Hey hon how was your day? Everything go okay at work? And with the rehearsal?” Her voice was sweet and flowery and all Jay could think about was how different it was from the delicious rasp of Erin’s.

“Yeah, um—” Jay paused to clear his throat. “It was, well it was… pretty good.”

“That’s great!” He could picture Allie then, curled up on the couch in their apartment with a blanket in her lap, sipping chamomile tea as she read some sappy romance novel.

“Yeah, um… listen I’m beat. It’s been a long day and tomorrow will be even crazier.” Jay leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees; his head fell into his left hand as he tried to bite back the self-loathing rising in him. “I’m sorry I can’t really talk right now.”

“No, it’s fine! I just wanted to check in, hear your voice, say good night, you know? I’ll see you tomorrow, love you Jay.”

“You too.” And even though he couldn’t say the actual words in that moment—it felt wrong to tell his girlfriend he loved her when his tongue had basically been down his ex’s throat just a few minutes earlier—it was true. Jay  _ did  _ love Allie.

He sighed as he shoved his phone back in his pocket and turned to take the stairs the rest of the way up to meet Ruzek and Atwater in their suite. They had both texted him a few times since he left dinner telling him to hurry up and get his ass up there.

When Jay let himself into the room, he saw that his friends had already dealt the cards and had opened a few bottles of beer. Ruzek nodded at him, acknowledging his presence before tossing a bottle in his direction. Jay caught it effortlessly and immediately popped it open, taking a long pull as he settled into the empty seat at the table.

“Everything okay man?” Atwater asked, quirking his eyebrow in concern.

“Yeah man, all good.” Jay raised his arm to clink his beer bottle with his friends’, forcing a smile as he spoke.

But truthfully, he was the opposite of good—a war was being waged behind that smile. Because Jay had suddenly realized that as much as he  _ loved  _ Allie Corson, maybe he wasn’t  _ in love _ with her. Not like he should be. Not like he’d been with Erin.

Not like he still might be.


	7. Chapter 7

_ Looking at you  
_ _ And you are looking at me  
_ _ And we both know what we want  
_ __ Hmm, so close to giving in

— Flying High (Jem)

 

Erin woke to a bubbly brunette jumping on her bed—though she wasn’t sure that it actually counted as  _ waking up _ when you never really fell asleep to begin with. She had spent the entire night tossing and turning, her mind filled with everything Jay Halstead.

“Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I’m getting married today!” Kim squealed, her cheerful voice tearing through Erin’s eardrums like a siren.

Erin groaned in response, turning to bury her face deeper in her pillow as she muttered a slew of expletives at the disruption. “But that’s not for  _ hours _ . Right now it’s time for  _ sleep _ .”

“Nope!” Kim yanked the blankets away from Erin’s body. “They’ll be here to do hair and makeup any minute, it’s time to get up!”

Erin sighed and slowly sat up, running her fingers through her tangled hair. “You know, you’re  _ really _ lucky I like you Burgess.”

“Come on Erin, you  _ love _ me!” Kim laughed as Erin reluctantly climbed out of bed.

It wasn’t long before a group of hairstylists and makeup artists descended on their hotel suite. Over the next few hours, Kim, Nicole, and Erin—along with Kim and Adam’s mothers—sipped mimosas as they were pampered from head to toe. The ceremony was scheduled to start at four, and by about three-thirty, they were ready to get the show on the road. Kim looked absolutely stunning in her strapless gown, a long lace veil pinned into her intricately curled hair.

“Adam is going to lose his damn mind when he sees you!” Erin whistled, raising her champagne glass to toast to the bride. Even Nicole had to agree; despite her past reservations about Adam Ruzek, the man was clearly head over heels for her little sister and she knew how happy they made each other.

“You ladies look pretty incredible yourselves!” Kim gushed. Nicole and Erin’s bridesmaid dresses were a matching shade of midnight blue, though the styles were slightly different; Nicole’s had delicate cap sleeves, while Erin’s was strapless with a sweetheart neckline.

“Knock, knock ladies!” The wedding planner, Cindy, burst into the suite, urging the group of ladies to follow her into the elevator. They had a schedule to adhere to, and the ceremony was supposed to start in less than half an hour.

*

The guys had stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, playing poker, drinking a few too many beers, and smoking cigars on the balcony. Unlike the ladies, they were able to sleep in a little bit.

Unfortunately for Jay, he didn’t really sleep at all.

Fear was not an emotion Jay Halstead ever really allowed himself to experience. He hadn’t been afraid when he was on the battlefield in Afghanistan. He hadn’t been afraid to go against his father and pursue a career as a police officer. He had never been afraid of Hank Voight, even though the man had given him every reason to be. Even when the demons from his past resurfaced, he’d been more  _ embarrassed  _ than afraid.

No, Jay Halstead had never really been afraid of anything. And yet here he was, absolutely  _ terrified  _ of Erin Lindsay. Terrified of the things she made him feel. Because Jay was not a single man. He couldn’t just fall back into things with her, not when he had someone waiting for him at home.

And that was exactly why he didn’t want to talk to Erin. Or look at her. Or think about her. Because he knew that once he started, there would be no stopping it; she would consume his every thought.

Jay knew it was wrong. He knew he should only be thinking about Allie. The woman who had supported him over the years, had been by his side as he battled his demons, had taken care of him as he made his way back to a version of himself that he was actually proud of. Allie was wonderful. She deserved all the happiness in the world. But Jay couldn’t give that to her, not anymore.

He considered picking up the phone and calling her. The thought had crossed his mind countless times as he lay awake that night. One call and it would be done.

But of course it wasn’t as simple as one phone call. That one call would crush Allie; it would break her heart. She deserved better than that. It was bad enough that he’d kissed Erin, but to just call her up in the middle of the night and end their relationship completely out of the blue? Jay couldn’t do that to Allie.

She was coming to the wedding as his date; he would figure the rest out later.

*

During the ceremony, Jay reverted back to his actions from the night before, avoiding eye contact with Erin. If they didn’t have to walk out arm-in-arm, he wouldn’t even have gone near her. But  _ of course _ he had noticed her. It would have been impossible not to, especially after their moment in the elevator. He was absolutely mesmerized by her beauty.

Erin Lindsay was easily the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, yet somehow she looked even more stunning in that moment. Jay didn’t let himself think about what it meant that watching his ex-girlfriend walk down the aisle toward him had such an effect on him.

So just like at the rehearsal, Jay quickly pulled away from Erin when they got to the back of the hall, brushing her off as she opened her mouth to speak to him. He knew he wasn’t being fair. He knew he was confusing her. Kissing her one minute and snubbing her the next was basically the textbook definition of sending someone mixed signals.

But for today, he was still with Allie and he needed to focus on that. It would be hard enough to act normal with his girlfriend after what had transpired the previous evening. If he let himself get any closer to Erin it would be a fucking nightmare.

*

Erin had never been so confused in her life. Sure, she’d gone to bed last night not really knowing where she stood with Jay, but she figured that when she saw him again they would actually talk things out. She certainly didn’t expect him to just ignore her like that—again. She couldn’t help but feel the hurt rising up through her chest. But then she reminded herself that this was her friends’ wedding day, she couldn’t let her own fucked up life get in the way of that.

So Erin buried her hurt and confusion and somehow managed to enjoy the reception—it certainly helped that she and Jay were seated at opposite ends of the head table. The food was delicious, though she had already forgotten what she ate by the time her plate was cleared. She listened intently to the toasts from Kim and Adam’s parents, then laughed along as Atwater gave a speech about his two best friends. And Erin grinned from ear to ear at the happy glow surrounding Kim and Adam as they shared their first dance and husband and wife.

Everything was going perfectly. Until Erin saw Jay with Allie.

It had been close to a decade since Erin had laid eyes on the woman, but she had never forgotten her face. She remembered the twinge of jealousy she had felt seeing Allie in his arms at the district all those years ago.

But this was so much worse. Seeing them dancing together, their bodies wrapped up together, moving slowly and perfectly in sync to the music and each other; watching Allie rest her head against Jay’s chest as he pressed a kiss against her hair. Witnessing the man she loved with what was obviously his girlfriend left Erin feeling sick to her stomach.

*

Jay hated dancing, but Allie loved it and he was feeling guilty, so every single time she looked at him with that questioning sparkle in her eye, he obliged. He pulled her into his arms as their bodies swayed to the music.

After what felt like their hundredth trip out to the dancefloor, Allie whispered something about going to the ladies room in Jay’s ear. He nodded with a smile, letting her give him a quick kiss before he headed back to his seat to try to relax for a few minutes.

When he finally allowed his gaze to land on Erin, she wasn’t alone.

She was hanging all over a guy that Jay immediately recognized as Ruzek’s cousin—Brad or Brian or Brandon or something. Whatever the hell the guy’s name was, Jay’s mind was too occupied watching his hands all over Erin to remember.

They weren’t together. They hadn’t technically been together for years. He had a fucking girlfriend. Jay knew he had no claim whatsoever over her, and yet he felt a burning jealousy, a blind rage that he had absolutely no right to feel at the sight of his ex-girlfriend with another man. But Erin wasn’t just his ex-girlfriend, she was  _ everything _ . Again. Still.  _ Always _ .

All Jay could do was stare at them. Thankfully Allie was still in the ladies room, because he knew he wasn’t being subtle. Another wave of guilt washed over him at the thought, but it was quickly overpowered by his feelings of jealousy.

And when he saw whatshisname lean in to kiss Erin, it pushed him over the edge. Jay couldn’t see straight, he couldn’t think straight. He was completely overwhelmed with jealousy and the uncontrollable urge to clock that guy. He flew out of his seat and stalked across the dancefloor, as though his legs were moving of their own volition.

As Jay approached them, he grabbed whatshisname’s arm, pulling him off of Erin.

“What the fuck?” The guy exclaimed, startled by the interruption. When he recognized Jay from Ruzek’s bachelor party, his expression softened a little. “Hey, uh, Halstead, right?”

“Yeah.” Jay answered bluntly before turning to Erin. “Listen, can we… can we talk?”

Erin’s eyes were glassy as she looked at Jay. “Now isn’t really a good time.”

“Please? I need to talk to you.” His eyes were red and his jaw was clenched; anger was written all over his face. Desperate to avoid drawing attention and making a scene, Erin reluctantly agreed. She grabbed Jay’s arm and pulled him along behind her out of the ballroom.

Once they were safely tucked away in the hallway, away from prying eyes, Erin’s raspy voice broke the silence. “You wanted to talk, so talk.” She huffed, crossing her arms across her chest, clearly annoyed.

Jay ran his hand through his hair as he paced back and forth in front of her. “What uh… why were you—? What the fuck was that?”

“ _ Excuse me _ ?”

“What the hell were you doing with that guy?”

“My life doesn’t concern you. You’ve made that  _ crystal  _ clear.”

Jay stopped dead in his tracks, turning to stare intently at Erin, his brows furrowed as his anger had quickly turned to confusion. “What?”

“Mind your own damn business, that’s what. You have a fucking  _ girlfriend _ , how dare you come out here and act all self-righteous with me! Fuck you Jay!”

Jay couldn’t think, couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything but push Erin up against the wall and kiss her with such abandon it felt like he might die.

When Jay pulled back a moment later to gauge her reaction, he found her eyes dark with desire, answering his unspoken question and spurring him on. He sealed his lips over hers, his tongue demanding entrance to her mouth as she parted her lips for him, the kiss growing even deeper. As their mouths danced together, Erin whimpered almost desperately against his lips and Jay felt himself losing all control. His hands roamed all over her body before bunching the silky fabric of her dress in his fists, sliding it higher and higher up her legs, desperate to feel more of her. Erin managed to steady her hands enough to yank his shirt from his pants, her left hand grazing his abs as her right made quick work of loosening his belt.

As Erin’s hands dipped into his pants, grasping him through his boxers, the sound of his name spilled from her lips. That was his undoing; all rational thought flew out the window, and Jay was completely overcome by desire. He grabbed Erin’s wrists with his left hand, pinning them over her head, while his other hand reached between them to pull at her underwear. Erin gasped as his fingers teased her, and before either of them could even think about what they were doing, Jay moved his hands to lift her up and pull her closer before pushing into her in one fluid motion.


	8. Chapter 8

_ I’ve got a funny little feeling  
_ _ My arms are shaking like a lightning rod, yeah  
_ _ I’ll cannonball right through the ceiling  
_ __ And sink my teeth in ‘til the feeling’s gone, yeah

— Funny Little Feeling (Rock 'n’ Roll Soldiers)

 

Jay groaned at the familiar feeling of  _ her _ . He pried his eyes open and got lost in the sight of Erin biting her lip to stifle a moan of her own. In that moment it was like the world had stopped spinning; Jay and Erin were completely overcome by the want and need that they had tried to bury for years only to have it come flying back to the surface over the last few days. Neither could focus on anything but the feeling of completeness of finally being together again.

Their breaths were laboured as their bodies moved together, quickly falling back into the perfect rhythm they had always shared. Thrust after thrust until the sound of his name leaving her lips in a rough whisper had Jay picking up the pace; it wasn’t long before he felt Erin shuddering in his arms, melting into him, tipping him over the edge right along with her.

They stood frozen in place for a moment, Jay’s face nuzzled into Erin’s neck. Her eyes fluttered shut as she savoured the all-too-familiar sensation of his hot breaths tickling her skin.

But the moment was quickly interrupted.

At the sound of someone’s throat clearing, Jay immediately pulled back and loosened his bruising grip on Erin’s thighs, allowing her to drop down to her feet as he turned his head.

“Um, sorry to uh, y'know… interrupt… but Halstead, your uh, your gir—um, Allie’s looking for you man,” Atwater mumbled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck and trying to look at  _ anything _ but the two people standing in front of him.

Jay’s ears burned a brilliant shade of red as he buttoned his pants, nodding feebly at his friend’s words. “Yeah, uh… t-thanks Kev. Um, I'll… I’ll just be a… minute.”

Hearing Allie’s name made Erin sick to her stomach. And the thought of Jay going back out to her was humiliating. And left Erin feeling guiltier than ever before. So the instant Atwater left the hallway, she adjusted her dress, seizing the opportunity to run off in the direction of the elevators.

“Erin!” Jay called after her. He needed to talk to her. He needed to explain. And most of all, he needed to tell her how sorry he was.

But she didn’t stop. She was out of sight in a flash. And the only thing that distracted him from the chime of the elevator signalling that she was gone was the sound of footsteps approaching from behind him.

“Jay?”

The sweet voice sent chills down his spine. He yanked on his belt before spinning around to face his girlfriend.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“Yeah, I uh…” Jay stammered as he avoided eye contact with Allie. But he didn’t need to look her in the eye to recognize the exact moment that she looked him up and down. He could feel her gaze on him, practically  _ burning _ his skin as she registered his belt hanging loose, his untucked shirt, his overall disheveled appearance.

When Jay finally glanced up at her, he saw the look of realization. He watched as pain washed across her face, and it was clear that Allie knew. But somehow she held it together. She didn’t utter a single word; instead she just turned and walked away.

“Allie, wait!” Jay called after her. He needed to talk to her. He needed to explain. And most of all, he needed to tell her how sorry he was.

But before he even had a chance to follow her, a drunken Adam Ruzek burst into the empty hallway. “Halstead! There you are, man! Come on, we’re doing shots!” He grabbed ahold of Jay’s arm and started dragging him back in the direction of the ballroom.

*

An hour later, Jay was slumped in a stool at the bar, cradling his head in his hands. And though he was already feeling the effects of the tequila shots he’d indulged in with Ruzek and a few others, he continued to wave the bartender over to refill his whiskey glass over and over again.

“Hey Jay,” Kim spoke softly, sliding into the stool beside him as best she could in her wedding gown.

Jay simply nodded at her presence.

“Is everything okay?”

Again, Jay didn’t speak, only offering a grunt in response.

“I um… Allie came and said goodbye a while ago. Said something about not feeling too well?”

All Jay could do was laugh dryly, scrubbing his palms across his face as another wave of self-loathing washed over him.  _ Of course _ Allie would be discreet;  _ of course _ she wouldn’t let on what a tremendous asshole he had been.

“Yeah,” Jay muttered. “Something like that.”

“And I… I haven’t seen Erin in a while…” Kim continued, her voice gently coaxing, knowing that  _ something _ must have happened. She sighed in frustration when he continued to ignore her words. “Jay, you know that you can always talk to me.”

He turned then and looked Kim straight in the eyes, hoping that the smile he had forced on his face looked at least somewhat natural. “Burgess, I promise you, everything is fine. Now, in case you’ve forgotten, it’s your  _ wedding _ , so how about you let me walk you back out there, okay?”

Kim smiled and tried to ignore the sway in Jay’s step when he rose from his stool and extended his arm for her to hold onto. As soon as they stepped back onto the dancefloor, Ruzek rushed over and swept his bride up into his arms.

“I’m uh… I think I’m actually gonna… take off,” Jay explained. His words were immediately met with protests from his friends, but he shook his head with a chuckle and stood his ground. “It’s just… it’s been a long day. I really need to just… get out of here.” Jay clapped Ruzek on the back and leaned in to kiss Kim’s cheek. “I’m really happy for you two.”

As he strode toward the lobby, Jay fished his phone out of his back pocket. When he glanced down at the screen he was disappointed to see that he had no missed calls, no voicemails, no new text messages. But he certainly couldn’t say he was surprised—he had  _ really _ managed to fuck things up.

*

Jay paced back and forth in front of the door. Every time he took a step closer to the door he found himself completely paralyzed by his thoughts. He knew he needed to talk to her, but he just didn’t know how. What could he possibly say to her?

He was interrupted when the door suddenly creaked open.

_ Ready or not. _


	9. Chapter 9

_And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
_ _I can never leave the past behind  
_ _I can see no way, I can see no way  
_ _I'm always dragging that horse around  
_ _But it's always darkest before the dawn_

—Shake It Out (Florence + The Machine)

 

At the sound of the door opening, Jay stopped. He was suddenly frozen in place—his drunken state had him completely unsure of what to say or do in that moment.

She was just as paralyzed; she stood in the doorway and stared at him, her eyes red from crying, face stained by the tracks of her tears. After what felt like an eternity, she sighed, moving to close the door when she realized he wasn’t going to speak.

The motion snapped him from his trance. He reached out his shaky arm to hold the door ajar, finally mustering up the courage to look her in the eye, finally opening his mouth to say something: “I… I’m so… I’m just. _Fuck_ , I’m so sorry.”

She just stared at him for a moment, as though taking those few seconds to collect her thoughts. As she took in the pain etched across his face, she softened, “Jay… it’s… just come inside, okay?”

He hesitated, partially to gauge whether or not this was a good idea, partially to gather his bearings and steady himself. Those drinks—he was ashamed to admit that he’d lost count—were really affecting him.

He let her grab hold of his forearm and guide him across the threshold. When she closed the door behind them, she took a deep breath, then strode across the room to collapse into a heap on the sofa. She couldn’t look at him; she didn’t _want_ to look at him—it hurt too much.

Jay hadn’t said a word since they’d exited the hallway. There _were_ no words; he knew there was absolutely nothing he could say that would lessen the pain and hurt that he had caused. But he didn’t have a choice. He had made this mess, it was up to him to try to fix it.

He strode across the room—suddenly feeling a lot less inebriated—and sank onto the coffee table, his head falling into his hands in shame. He finally looked up when he heard her crying softly.

“A-Allie, I… I’m so sorry,” he began, knowing those words weren’t enough as he reached forward to try to comfort her, his hand landing awkwardly on her knee. It absolutely killed him to see her hurting, especially when he was the cause of her pain. “I know… I know you probably don’t believe me but I… I never wanted to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen.”

“I know,” was all she said as she wiped her eyes and looked up at him.

“Wh-what?” Jay was taken aback by her words, by how calm she sounded.

“I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. I know you, Jay, I know that’s not the kind of man you are.”

His gaze fell, shame washing over him as his eyes fluttered shut to try to hold back tears.

“Jay,” Allie continued, her voice soft and careful as she clasped her hand over his, “It’s okay… I forgive you.”

“Wha—? _How_?” His head shot up as her words cut through his heart like a knife. He was already drowning in a sea of self-hatred; somehow he felt himself sink even lower. What he had done was unforgivable.

“I love you, that’s how,” Allie shrugged, her lips curling into a feeble smile.

Jay shook his head, “No… you can’t. It’s unforgivable. I… I can’t…”

“It’s okay, Jay, I—”

“No,” his voice was firm as he shook his head again, this time more vigorously. “It’s _not_ okay. You, Allie, you are… you’re wonderful. You don’t deserve this. You deserve _better_ , so much better.” Jay’s voice began to crack as he continued, no longer able to keep the tears from spilling, “You should hate me, God knows I hate myself for this… I… I can’t even begin to tell you how truly sorry I am. It’s just… I just—”

“I know how much you love her.”

Once again, Jay was stunned by Allie’s words.

“I’ve always known. Most people only have one great love in their lives. You’re mine, but she… Erin… she’s yours.”

“But—”

“I always knew I was only ever getting a piece of your heart,” Allie smiled sadly, her eyes filling with tears again. “And I was okay with that. Because even a piece of your heart was enough for me. But… you deserve to be happy too Jay. And _man_ , I wish I was the person who could do that for you but… I just want you to be happy.”

Her shoulders shook as her tears started to fall, and it was Jay’s breaking point. He couldn’t just sit there and watch her crumbling like that, so he did the only thing he could think of—he moved from his perch on the coffee table and dropped onto the couch cushion beside her. As he pulled her into his arms, he whispered words of apology over and over again.

After a while, Allie grew quiet; Jay adjusted his position slightly to discover that she had managed to fall asleep. He gazed down at her for a moment, marvelling at how peaceful she looked. Seeing her like this, Jay knew he needed to go. It wasn’t fair to her to stick around any longer. He already felt worse than he’d ever imagined was possible; if he strung her along any longer he would _never_ forgive himself.

Careful not to wake her, he pressed his lips against her crown as he rose from the sofa. Jay looked down at her one more time before heading down the hall to their bedroom. He grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and dropped it on the bed, haphazardly throwing clothes in it before making his way into the bathroom. After gathering his toiletries from the medicine cabinet and tossing them on top, he zipped the bag, slung it over his shoulder, and walked back out into the living room.

Apparently he hadn’t been as quiet as he’d hoped—Allie had started to stir, and by the time he was shrugging into his jacket, she was standing between him and the door.

“Jay? What are you doing?” Her voice was still laced with sleep.

“I uh… I think I’m going to go stay with Will and Nat… give you some space… figure things out, y’know?”

Allie reached out, her fingertips grazing his forearm, trying to halt his motions. “You don’t have to go. This is your home too.”

“Yes. I do,” Jay countered, taking a step closer to the door. “It’s not fair for me to be here. It’ll just make things harder for you. I’ve hurt you enough already— _too much_.” He held her face in his palm, dipping his head down to brush his lips against her cheek. “I’m sorry.”

And with that last apology, Jay left.

*

As soon as the elevator doors closed behind her—Erin was grateful that she didn’t have company this time—her legs turned to jello. She fell to the floor and let her emotions get the best of her; she couldn’t stop the tears from falling as she thought about how completely fucked up everything had become.

She sat crying on the elevator floor until a chime rang out, signalling a stop. An older couple tentatively boarded, their faces clouded with concern at the sight of the woman slumped in the corner looking positively broken.

“Are you alright dear?” The woman asked, extending a hand to help Erin to her feet.

She wiped her eyes and nodded, dismissing the offer of assistance with a feeble smile before pulling herself up off the floor. “Yes… thank you. I’m fine.” That statement couldn’t be further from the truth. She wasn’t fine. _Not even close._ Erin felt absolutely awful.

The next time the elevator chimed, they had arrived on Erin’s floor. The doors had barely even opened when she burst through and stepped onto the plush carpeted floor. She couldn’t get away fast enough.

She let herself into the suite she’d shared with Kim and Nicole the night before, wasting no time to gather up her things. As she walked past the full-length mirror, Erin paused for a moment, taking in her appearance. Her eyes were red and already looked swollen from crying, there were streaks of mascara running down her cheeks, and her lipstick had been almost completely wiped away. _Kissed_ away.

Erin ran her fingers through her hair, trying to tame the tangles in her once perfectly styled waves. When her eyes fluttered shut for a second it was like she could still feel his hands in her hair, caressing her neck, running up and down her legs—he was _everywhere_.

And then suddenly she couldn’t stand to look at herself in that dress for another minute. That beautiful blue dress that had made her feel so elegant this morning just seemed dirty now. She pulled it off in a hurry, grabbing a sweatshirt and some leggings from her bag and throwing them on.

When she walked through the lobby doors and saw the crowds of people—wedding guests and hotel patrons and others enjoying a night out on the town—lingering at the curb, Erin was thankful that she had had the wherewithal to call a cab on the elevator ride down. She didn’t have the stomach to face anyone she knew.

As Erin sat in the backseat of the taxi, her head fell back against the headrest, the emotions of the day truly catching up with her. She felt sick at the realization that she had basically become ‘the other woman.’ It was almost inevitable with a mother like Bunny Fletcher, but Erin had done everything in her power to avoid it. She had _never_ wanted to be that person—it was humiliating.

But that wasn’t even the worst part.

Somehow, she had managed to turn a good man—a wonderful, perfect, honourable man—into a cheater. Every fibre of her being was screaming at her that this entire situation was her fault.

Suddenly the cab screeched to a stop, tearing Erin from her thoughts. She paid the driver in a hurry before rushing up the sidewalk.

As soon as she opened the front door and let herself in, a lamp flickered on in the corner of the living room and a gruff voice greeted her. “Hey kid.”

“Hank!” Erin jumped in surprise, her palm falling over her chest to feel the now rapid beating of her heart. She didn’t know why she was startled; she should have known that he would be waiting up. She remembered tiptoeing inside past curfew—as if she could actually get one past him—countless times in her teenage years to the same sight.

Hank rose from his worn leather recliner, still dressed in his suit from the wedding. He looked her up and down, registering her disheveled appearance before continuing. “What happened?”

Erin shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes all over again as she fell into Hank’s arms, allowing herself to be comforted—just for a moment—by the only father she had ever known. “I… I don’t know why I came back. I shouldn’t have… I should have listened to you.” If she had just stayed away, everything would have been just fine. Jay would have been happy, just like she wanted him to be. He didn’t deserve to have her popping up out of the blue and ruining _everything_.

She should have known better than to come back; she should have known it would only make a mess of things. It was all she ever did. Apparently it was impossible for her to shake the darkness that followed her, bringing herself and everyone around her down.

So after giving Hank one last hug, Erin left.

For good this time.


	10. Chapter 10

_I don’t wanna hurt you_ __  
_I don’t wanna make you sway_  
_Like I know I’ve done before_  


—Sway (The Perishers)

 

Jay climbed out of the back of the taxi, heaving his bag over his shoulder as he paid the driver and bid him a good night. He shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked toward the front door, his nerves starting to get the better of him—maybe coming here was a huge mistake?

But Jay shook it off. Besides, he’d already fucked up enough that night, what was one more screw-up?

He pulled his right hand out out of his pocket, ignoring the shakiness as he raised his fist to knock on the door.

He knocked and he knocked and he knocked.

Just as he was about to give up and walk away, the outside light flicked on and the front door flew open.

“What the fuck?” Will demanded, his voice laced with sleep as he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes. He glanced back inside at the clock on the wall, “It’s three in the morning! What the hell are you doing here Jay? We _just_ got Matthew down like twenty minutes ago.”

“Fuck,” Jay breathed out as his hand moved to run across his forehead. In the chaos of the evening, he had somehow forgotten that Will and Natalie had just brought their newest little boy home from the hospital. “I’m sorry Will. I just… I’ll go.”

“No, wait,” Will sighed, sliding his fingers through his messy hair. “It’s fine… wait, aren’t you supposed to be at Ruzek’s wedding right now?”

It was Jay’s turn to sigh as he shifted his gaze up from his feet to look him in the eye. “I uh… I fucked up man.”

At the sight of the pain in his brother’s eyes, Will immediately reached out and grabbed Jay’s arm, pulling him across the threshold. “Just keep it down, okay?” Will begged as he shut and locked the door behind them. “If the baby wakes up screaming I’m sending _you_ in there to deal with him.”

Jay nodded and followed him up the stairs to the guest bedroom. As he dropped his bag on the bed, Will leaned against the doorframe, unable to hold back his yawns.

“Look Jay, obviously I don’t know what happened tonight but… it’ll be okay.”

“No,” Jay admitted, kicking off his shoes and collapsing on the mattress. “It won’t. Not this time. I’ve made too much of a mess of things… it’s all just so… everything’s so fucked up.”

“You’re exhausted man. You’ve had a long day. Why don’t you get some sleep? I’m sure you’ll feel better in the morning.”

Jay nodded dejectedly in response, even though he knew his brother was wrong. There was no way he’d feel better in the morning—in fact, without the numbing effects of that night’s whiskey, he knew he would feel even _worse_.

As soon as Will pulled the door shut and headed back to his own room, Jay stripped down to his boxers and flopped back onto the bed. He threaded his fingers behind his head as he reclined against the pillow, closing his eyes and preparing himself for a long night alone with his thoughts.

By some miracle—or more likely, thanks to the alcohol that was still coursing through his system—Jay fell asleep quickly, despite the storm raging within him. And somehow he managed to _stay_ asleep, only waking when he felt the mattress bouncing beneath his exhausted body.

Peals of laughter broke through his cocoon of silence, “Uncle Jay!!”

Jay tried to ignore his nephew—groaning and mumbling incoherently—but the little boy was persistent.

“Wake up, wake up!!!” Owen demanded, his voice growing louder and louder with each passing moment. “Come on Uncle J—” Owen started giggling wildly, interrupting himself as Jay grabbed him and started tickling his sides. He squirmed in his uncle’s arms, nearly out of breath from laughter when Jay finally pulled him down to the mattress.

“Who’s this little monster in my bed, huh?” Jay chuckled, stopping his tickling to snuggle Owen close and smother him with kisses.

“It’s me, Owen!” the little boy shouted before breaking into another fit of giggles.

“Shhh, it’s still sleep time buddy,” Jay whispered, wrapping his arms around his nephew and trying to go back to sleep.

But it was too late.

The house was quickly filled with the loud wails of newborn Matthew, and within seconds, Jay’s door was flung open and a _very_ unhappy Will Halstead stalked into the room. “Jay, what the hell!”

“Um, little ears Will,” Jay mumbled, motioning to the six-year-old that was currently snuggled up against his chest.

Will sighed, his expression softening at the mention of his son. “Owen buddy, it’s _really_ early. Remember your new baby brother is sleeping?”

“Yeah, and so was I…” Jay muttered under his breath.

“Sorry Daddy!” Owen jumped out of bed and padded across the room to stand at the door by Will.

“It’s okay buddy. Why don’t you go downstairs and put on a movie or something?” Will suggested.

“Can Uncle Jay come too?”

Jay reluctantly sat up and ran his hands through his hair. As much as he wanted to stay in bed and try to go back to sleep—preferably forever considering how much his head was aching—he just couldn’t say no to his nephew. “Just give me a few minutes, okay bud?”

Owen grinned before running out of sight and undoubtedly heading down to the living room. Will laughed at his son’s excitement before turning back to his brother. “You look like shit man.”

“Wow, thanks Will. Not like you’re walking around here looking like a damn supermodel or anything.”

“If you’re going to be hanging around my house, at least put a fucking shirt on dude.” Will grabbed a t-shirt from Jay’s open duffle bag on the floor and chucked it across the room at his brother.

Jay rolled his eyes, pulling the t-shirt over his head before dragging himself out of bed and throwing on a pair of sweatpants. “You enjoying the show?” He smirked when he saw that Will was still standing in the doorway, watching him.

“You’re an idiot,” Will stated matter-of-factly. He hesitated for a moment, then cleared his throat and continued, “So uh… what the hell happened to you last night?”

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last night when you were drunkenly pounding on my front door at three am. _What did you do_?”

Jay scrubbed his palms across his face, working up the courage to tell his brother just how much of a mess he had made.

“Jay?”

“I uh… _Erin_. She was… she was at the wedding and…” He swallowed hard, trying to muster up the courage to confess what had transpired, only to practically choke on the words. “I… uh… we…”

Fortunately for Jay, Will could read him like a book—he knew exactly what his brother was trying to say. “You didn’t.”

The pained look that washed across Jay’s face was answer enough. He looked like he was going to throw up.

“But… what about Allie? Last week you were talking about _proposing_ to her! And now—”

“What do you want me say Will?” Jay interrupted, unable to keep the frustration and anger out of his voice. “That you were right? There—I said it. You happy now? Go ahead, tell me you told me so, you know you want to.”

Will’s eyes widened as he held his hands up in defeat. “Relax. That’s not what I want Jay. You know that. I just… I guess I’m just trying to understand here.”

“Not sure what there is to understand— _I cheated_ ,” Jay admitted, disgust evident in his voice. Somehow saying the words felt like a weight off his shoulders and a punch in the gut at the same time. He felt tears springing to his eyes again and quickly buried his face in his hands in an effort to hide his emotions from his brother. But it was a wasted effort; a moment later Will was standing in front of Jay, pulling him into his arms to try to comfort him. And then Jay just couldn’t stop himself from crying. “I don’t… I don’t know what to do Will. Where do I go from here? What do I do? I should have fucking listened to you.”

Will waited for Jay to stop trembling in his embrace before he responded. “I’m not going to lie to you man, you fucked up big time. But it’s not like I’m in any position to judge. I wish I could tell you what to do but I can’t—no one can answer that for you. You have to figure it out for yourself.”

“But how?”

Of course Owen chose that very moment to come bursting into the room. “Uncle Jay! Uncle Jay!”

The Halstead brothers separated, both turning to acknowledge the excited little boy running right up to them.

“What’s up bud?” Jay asked, wiping his eyes and plastering a smile across his face as he glanced down at Owen, who had now grabbed hold of his forearm.

“Come ooooooon!” Owen tugged on his uncle’s arm and pulled him in the direction of the door. “We gotta watch Toy Story! _To infinity and beyond!_ ”

Jay couldn’t help but laugh. Because even though Owen was the spitting image of his father—Natalie had pictures of Jeff scattered around the house—he had also managed to pick up a lot of Will’s mannerisms. Like impatience, for one. “I’m sorry buddy, I’ll be right down.”

Owen gave him a slightly skeptical look before reluctantly turning and running back out of the bedroom and down the stairs, leaving the two adults alone again.

“I guess I better get down there before your kid gets any more wound up,” Jay chuckled as he tidied up his stuff and moved to make the bed. He glanced up when he felt his brother’s eyes on him. “What?”

“That’s it? You’re just fine now?” Will marvelled. “A second ago you were losing your shit and now you’re going to go hang out with Owen like everything is normal?”

“Of course not. Nothing feels normal anymore. I’m not sure I even know what normal _is_ at this point. But like you said, I have to figure it out for myself.”

Will sighed. “You know I’m here for you, right?”

“Yeah… I know. I guess just need some time to think,” Jay shrugged as he brushed by Will and headed down to the living room.

Jay pretended to watch the movie with Owen—he laughed at the right parts and cuddled his nephew close at some of the scarier moments—but the entire time his head was elsewhere, deep in thought. By the time the credits were rolling across the TV screen, he knew what he had to do.

He just had to hope he was making the right decision.

*

In reality, the ride from Hank’s place to O’Hare probably took less than an hour, but it felt like an eternity to Erin. She had booked her red eye within the first five minutes of the drive—and then she was left with an almost deafening silence. As she sat alone in the back of the cab, she practically begged the cab driver to turn the radio on, unable to stand being alone with her thoughts for another second.

But as hard as she tried to lose herself in the familiar sights out the window and the eighties power ballad blasting from the speakers, she just couldn’t escape it. She was drowning in her thoughts.

As awful and disgusting as she felt about coming between Jay and Allie, a small—and, perhaps, particularly horrible—part of her was glad it had happened. Neither of them had known that the last time they were together was actually the last time. There had never been any real closure to their time together; their relationship had simply ended as abruptly as it had started.

Over the last four years, Erin had occasionally allowed herself to think about Jay and what they had. Sure, it was borderline masochistic to dwell on the past that she had worked so hard to escape, but despite the overwhelming pain she felt, the happy memories were _everything_. What she wouldn’t give for one more day with him. One more of those sly smiles he would flash across the bullpen. One more night swept up in his arms. One more of those magical kisses that made her lose herself in the best possible way.

Somehow Erin started to reason that it all made sense. After so many years, with so much left hanging between them, it was only natural that seeing each other again would have them getting lost in their memories, in their history, in each other.

But it was still a mistake. A _horrible_ mistake.

Although she had let Hank comfort her back at the house, Erin couldn’t bring herself to tell him what had happened at the wedding. It absolutely killed her to know that he had been right all along. Not that he would have thrown that in her face; Erin knew Hank would have supported her like he always had—she just didn’t deserve his support.

Erin had known better than to come back to Chicago. She left to give Jay a chance at the happiness he deserved, a chance to build the life that she would just hold him back from. And she was right—he had Allie and she was _normal_ and good and exactly what Jay needed.

And then like always, Erin ruined it. Like always, her presence only served to hurt the people she cared the most about.

When the cab pulled up to the departures terminal, Erin forced a smile when she paid the driver. As she walked through the doors and approached her gate, she knew once and for all what she needed to do.

This was it. This time, she was going to heed Hank’s advice.

This time she truly wouldn’t look back.


	11. Chapter 11

_Take this sinking boat and point it home_  
_We’ve still got time_  
_Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice_  
_You’ve made it now_  


—Falling Slowly (Glen Hansard)

 

Jay excused himself and went back upstairs to the guest room. He pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket and switched it on, bracing himself for what he would see when the screen lit up.

Aside from a couple of email notifications—a newsletter from his gym, an advertisement from a local health food store, a bank statement, a reminder to pay his water bill—there were no new messages. Just like the night before.

But unlike the night before, he shoved his nerves and uncertainty aside and did what he had been afraid to do then. With an unsteady hand, he opened his contact list and scrolled down to her name.

 _Erin_.

And somehow he didn’t hesitate for even a second before hitting the call button.

“We’re sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again.” A robotic voice quickly blared in Jay’s ear, effectively bursting his bubble.

He wanted to throw up. Or burst into tears. Or scream. Instead, he whipped his phone across the phone, not even flinching when it violently smashed against the wall, cracking the screen.

He felt like a complete idiot. Again. Still. As usual. She lived in another state and they hadn’t spoken in four years, _of course_ her old number didn’t work. He just had never been able to bring himself to delete it.

Of course the reason for _that_ had become painfully obvious over the last few days.

Jay stood frozen in place with his head in his hands as he tried to figure out his next move.

After a few minutes, he strode across the room and grabbed his now damaged cell phone up off of the floor. This time, he pulled up another number from his contacts. The line rang a few times before a familiar—albeit groggy—voice answered.

“Hello?”

Jay was quiet for a moment, trying to find the right words.

“Hello?” The voice called out again. “Jay is that you? Are you there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m here. I uh… I need your help.”

“I know I said you could always talk to me but… um… Jay, we just got… y’know, we just got married last night… so… we’re kind of… well… it’s our—”

“Halstead! Fuck off dude, we’re busy!” Ruzek’s voice rang out from somewhere in the background.

Jay could feel the heat suddenly rushing to his cheeks at his foolishness. He felt like an idiot for what was probably the hundredth time already that day. Only he would be stupid enough to interrupt newlyweds the morning after their wedding. He felt even worse when he glanced at his watch and realized that it was somehow only nine o’clock in the morning.

“Adam!” Kim admonished as her voice became clearer again. Clearly she had snatched the phone back from her husband. “Hey Jay, you still there?”

“Yeah. But I’m going, I’m really sorry Kim. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have bothered you—”

“No Jay, it’s fine. Really. What’s wrong? You said you needed my help?”

“Erin… uh… we um… can you…”

Kim sighed on the other end of the line. “Spit it out Jay.”

“I need to talk to her. I need to _see_ her.”

“I haven’t actually heard from her since last night, but I know she was staying at Voight’s place.”

“Thanks Kim. And again, I’m really, _really_ sorry for interrupting.”

“Don’t sweat it.” Just picturing Kim’s warm and reassuring smile on the other end of the line had Jay’s lips pulling into a small smile of his own.

But that smile didn’t stay on his face long once the realization had set in. Now he had to face Voight. That was just _perfect_.

*

Jay Halstead and Hank Voight had always had a tumultuous relationship.

Voight’s reputation was common knowledge within the department, so to a certain extent, Jay had known what he was getting himself into when he joined the Intelligence unit. The men had immediately clashed—their ways of handling criminals were as different as possible. And it certainly didn’t help that Jay wasn’t afraid to stand up to his boss, to put his money where his mouth was when it came down to it. Throw in the sparks flying between him and Erin, and Voight and Jay’s relationship was doomed from day one.

After Nadia’s death, they had formed an unspoken agreement when it came to Erin. Both men recognized how important she was to the other, and they had buried the hatchet in an effort to bring their girl back from the brink.

That was the turning point in their relationship, the foundation of a growing understanding and trust between the two. And as time wore on, they learned to work better together, developing a rhythm and playing off of one another. More and more, Voight recognized the value of having Jay in his unit, and thus started leaning on the younger detective as sort of a right-hand-man. Truth be told, they were actually more similar than either of them would ever be willing to admit; despite their wildly different approaches, both men were deeply concerned with getting justice for the victims they encountered, no matter the cost.

In the years since Erin had left Chicago, tensions had grown between Jay and Voight again. Jay blamed his boss for sending Erin away, and Voight grew frustrated watching Jay spiral out of control. The loss of the girl they both loved caused them to build up the wall between them all over again.

Things were tense for a long time, but somehow they had again managed to set aside their differences and work well as a team. Voight began to rely on Jay more than ever before—he’d deny it if anyone had asked, but Voight had quietly started grooming Jay to take over his unit one day.

But that was work. They no longer had anything in common in their personal lives, so it was all business between the two men.

And yet somehow Jay found himself standing cautiously on his boss’ front porch, awkwardly shifting his weight from side to side as he rapped his fist on the door, expecting— _hoping_ —to see Erin standing on the other side.

But when the door swung open a few seconds later, Jay was instead met by a stone faced Hank Voight.

“Halstead, what are you doing here?” The sergeant demanded, his voice gruff as he folded his arms across his chest.

There was a time when Voight would probably have greeted Jay at his front door with a raised shotgun. Especially if the detective showed up just hours after Voight had been comforting a sobbing Erin Lindsay.

But just like all those years ago, when Jay and Erin had first started sneaking around, it was impossible to hide the truth from Voight. Despite his questionable interrogation tactics and shady practices, there was a reason Hank Voight was tasked with leading Intelligence—he had an uncanny ability to read people, to see right through their facades. So the moment Jay looked up and made eye contact, Voight immediately recognized that he was struggling. Again.

He took a step aside and motioned his arms in a silent invitation to come in. Jay hesitated for a moment—as though gauging whether or not he was walking into a trap—before taking a few steps forward.

Voight closed the door behind the younger man and ushered him into the living room. Feeling uncomfortable in his boss’ home, Jay sat awkwardly on the edge of the couch cushion, while Voight settled back into his recliner in the corner and clasped his hands together in his lap before speaking again.

“So Halstead, like I asked you before—what are you doing here?”

Jay quickly shot up from his seat and started pacing back and forth in front of the sofa, his hands moving from his pockets to the back of his neck and up to his hairline as he struggled to answer Voight’s question.

“Halstead!”

“Sorry sir. I… um… is she…” He stopped and looked his boss right in the eye before continuing. “Is Erin here?”

“First you can explain to me why she came home crying in the middle of the night.”

Jay brought his palms up to cover his face. The knowledge that their rendez-vous had left Erin in tears was like a sucker punch to his gut. He hated to think of her hurting in any way, let alone because of _his_ actions. He wiped his sweaty palms on his thighs and immediately started pacing again.

“I asked you a question, I expect an answer.” Voight demanded.

“Um… well… uh…” Jay rubbed the back of his neck, taking a moment to figure out how he could possibly explain what had happened to Voight. There was absolutely no way he could share the details with him. Jay would be leaving the house in an ambulance—or worse—if Voight knew the whole truth.

What was he supposed to say, _Well sir, I hooked up with your daughter in a random hallway then ran off after my girlfriend when we got caught_?

Voight would slaughter him.

“Halstead, sit the hell down and start talking.”

Jay reluctantly sat back on the couch. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, burying his head in his hands while he took a few seconds to get his bearings.

Then he took a deep breath and more or less told Voight what had happened. He explained how he had been thinking about proposing to Allie. That his conversation with Will had left his head spinning, making him doubt his feelings for the first time in ages. How seeing Erin after four years had made him more confused than ever. And how he had unintentionally hurt her and could only hope to find a way to fix things.

When he had finished, Jay took a cautious glance in Voight’s direction, misreading the older man’s frown as frustration, as an expectation for him to say more. Jay’s fingertips danced across his brow as his nerves were starting to catch up with him. “So uh… yeah… I know I screwed up… I know I ruined everything… I just… I have to talk to Erin. I _need_ to talk to her.”

“Well she’s not here.”

Jay’s head jerked up as confusion washed over his face. “What do you mean? Kim… Kim said she was staying here with you?”

“She was, but she left.” Voight answered simply, not one to mince his words.

“L-left? Where did she go?”

“She caught an early flight back to New York.”

“New York?” Jay was shocked. He knew Erin was upset, but he didn’t expect her to run away so quickly. “Why?”

Voight shrugged his shoulders far too casually for Jay’s liking. “It sounds to me like you probably know more about that than I do.”

“Can you… um… can you give me her number? Please?”

“I’m not sure that’s for me to share. She left for a reason.”

“Please? I need to talk to her. I have to fix this.”

Voight sighed before reluctantly rising from his recliner to grab a slip of paper and a pen off the coffee table. He was silent as he scribbled across the page. “I swear Halstead, if you hurt her again, they’ll never find your body.”

“I won’t. I love her. I’m… I’m in love with her.”

*

Erin’s last minute flight had her landing at Laguardia in the early hours of the morning; the sun was just rising as she disembarked and headed to baggage claim to pick up her suitcase.

As Erin walked through the airport doors and flagged down a taxi, she was overwhelmed by a sense of peace—it actually surprised her a little. Sure, she had called New York City home for the last four years, but it had always felt like something had been missing. A part of her still longed for her old life in Chicago.

Turns out she just needed to go back to realize that she no longer belonged there.

Like the cab ride from Hank’s house to O’Hare, the drive from Laguardia to her apartment was agonizingly slow. And to make matters worse, she had somehow managed to find the one New York cabbie that was actually interested in making small talk. One of the benefits of the red-eye flight was that it was _silent_ —no pesky seatmates looking to make conversation, no screaming babies or wild children roaming the aisles. Hell, the flight was so short that the flight attendants didn’t even come around.

The last thing that Erin was interested in doing was chatting with a complete stranger about politics and the weather and the score from last night’s Knicks game. All she wanted to do was get back to her place, bury herself under the covers, and hibernate in her bedroom for the rest of her vacation time.

Erin managed a series of mmhmms and one word answers during the ride—enough to allow the driver to think she was actually somewhat interested in making conversation—but the moment the car came to a stop in front of her building, she hopped out as fast as her legs could carry her. She flashed the old man a smile, paid the fare (tipping even more generously than usual thanks to the guilt she felt for more or less ignoring him the entire trip), and quickly made her way into the sleek lobby.

One benefit of living in such a modern building was the sizable shop situated on the main level, an incredibly convenient spot to grab a few groceries or stock up on household necessities without having to cart bags all over the city. She filled a small shopping cart with a enough essentials to get her through the next few days without having to leave her apartment: a carton of milk, a box of her favourite sugary cereal, a couple of frozen pizzas, a six-pack of beer, and a pint—actually make that two—of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Unfortunately for Erin, her streak of bad luck continued in the store. Even though it wasn’t even ten o’clock on a Sunday morning, she was somehow met by a rather significant line at the checkout. She buried her nose in her cell phone while she waited, letting herself get lost in Twitter news and browsing Instagram.

Even though it had ended less than twelve hours earlier, Erin’s feed was already littered with pictures from the wedding. She immediately regretted tapping the event’s hashtag (#TooLateToSayNoBurgess) when her screen was filled with photos of happy couples dancing the night away.

One such couple? Jay and Allie.

Erin nearly dropped her phone on the floor she was so shaken by the photo. And yet for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to look away.

Just like when she saw them from across the dancefloor the night before, the proof of their relationship was almost screaming at her. It was as though something somewhere wanted to shove their happiness in her face. Wrapped up in Jay’s embrace, Allie was practically glowing, and Jay looked blissfully happy as smiled down at the woman in his arms. There was no denying it. It was right there in front of her—they were the picture of love.

Her eyes were burning with unshed tears as a multitude of emotions washed over her. Embarrassment, disgust, sadness, heartbreak, _longing_. She felt it all as she switched off her screen, squeezing her eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. God knows she’d already cried enough over this.

Once she had finally paid for her items, Erin strode through the sleek lobby towards the elevator. When it stopped on her floor, she made a beeline down the hall, anxious for the sense of security that only her apartment could bring her. She cringed as her high heeled boots click-clacked against the marble tiles with every step—she was almost there, the last thing she needed was a nosy neighbour popping out and trying to strike up a conversation.

Erin’s heart was absolutely racing as she slid her key into the lock. The moment she was safely inside, she leaned her head back against the closed door and let out a huge sigh of relief.

She made it. She had escaped Chicago. It was time to put the drama of the last few days behind her.

And then her phone started ringing.


	12. Chapter 12

_Hello, it’s me_   
_I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet_   
_To go over everything_   
_They say that time’s supposed to heal ya  
But I ain’t done much healing_

—Hello (Adele)

 

Erin wanted to scream. Couldn’t the world just understand that she wanted to be left alone? She had just closed her door, dropped her bags to the floor, and was about to settle into the solace of her empty apartment when her phone started ringing.

Without even looking at the caller ID, she quickly shoved the offending device into one of her kitchen drawers and tried to ignore it. After a few seconds, the sound stopped, so she felt herself start to relax again.

But it was short lived.

Moments later, the obnoxious chirping rang out again. Somehow it sounded even louder this time, though she knew that was impossible—it was just her imagination. Erin strode down the hall to her bedroom, slipped under the covers, and buried her head under her pillow to try to block out the disruption.

At first, it didn’t quite work. The pillow covering her ears only muffled the ringing; she could still hear it faintly all the way across the apartment. Whoever was calling was certainly persistent.

But Erin was stubborn and refused to budge from her cocoon.

Somehow she must have fallen asleep—perhaps the exhaustion and stress of the last few days had finally caught up with her—because the next sounds she heard were the front door slamming shut, a set of keys landing in the bowl in the entryway, and a man’s voice calling out her name.

“Erin?” He called again when she didn’t answer. “You here?”

She reluctantly kicked off the covers and slowly padded down the hall to the living room.

“So you _are_ here!” Mouse chuckled as Erin came closer to him. “I saw your bags so I figured you were, but then you didn’t answer so I—hey, what’s wrong?” Apparently she wasn’t hiding her emotions well; he had stopped speaking the moment they were face to face.

Erin shrugged her shoulders, trying to brush off the question. She fiddled in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water and hoping that making herself look busy would let him think that everything was fine.

“You were supposed to be in Chicago for a few more days, why are you home so soon?” He leaned against the wall in the living room, folding his arms across his chest and studying her closely. Mouse and Erin were a lot alike, so he had an uncanny ability to read her true feelings.

“I can clear out and stay with Herrera or something if you had plans,” Erin offered, still avoiding his questions.

“This is your place.”

“It’s yours too, Mouse. I don’t want to cramp your style or get in your way or—”

Mouse threw his hands up in the air, frustrated with her evasiveness. “Seriously Erin, what happened?”

She didn’t answer right away, instead walking past her roommate and flopping down on the sofa, tossing her head back against the cushions as she stared up at the ceiling. When Mouse followed into the room and settled into the armchair opposite her, she finally spoke. “I should’ve just stayed here. I was stupid to think I could just go back.”

“ _What happened_?”

Erin told him how excited she had been to finally be back in her hometown, how nice it was to see Hank, and how wonderfully perfect Kim and Adam’s wedding had been—not to mention how much she wished she’d been able to convince him to come as her date. And while she had been too embarrassed, too angry, and overall too disgusted with herself to talk to Hank about her encounter with Jay, she shared every painful detail with Mouse.

Over the last four years, their relationship had blossomed. While they had initially bonded over missing Chicago (and a certain ex-army-ranger-turned-detective), they quickly realized how much more they had in common—rough childhoods, struggles with substance abuse, feelings of isolation and struggles to forge lasting relationships. They had grown from being work acquaintances to friends, roommates, and confidants. They were like _family_.

Mouse was the only person that Erin had ever felt comfortable talking to about some of the darkest moments of her life. And he had shared his own darkness with her. They never judged each other; they understood the other’s pain like no one else could. They trusted each other with their lives. The good, the bad, the ugly.

As soon as she had finished pouring her heart out, Erin’s ringtone blared through the apartment.

“Aren’t you gonna grab that?” He asked when she made no move to get up from the sofa.

Erin shook her head, instead pulling a throw blanket over her lap and letting herself sink deeper into the couch cushions. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Without a word, Mouse rose from his chair and walked into the kitchen. He yanked the drawer open with a surprising amount of force and grabbed her still-ringing phone. He glanced briefly at the caller ID before stalking back toward Erin and slapping the device down onto the coffee table in front of her. “Answer it.” With that, he left the room and headed down the hall to his bedroom.

*

Somehow it had only been two days since Jay had first set eyes on Erin at the rehearsal.

Two days.

Forty-eight hours.

Two thousand, eight hundred and eighty minutes.

One hundred seventy-two thousand, eight hundred seconds.

And he had spent almost every one of them thinking about her. No matter how hard he tried, he hadn’t been able to focus on anything else. In that small span of time, _everything_ had changed.

Truthfully, everything had been in disarray ever since Jay met up with Will for breakfast a week prior. Jay had scoffed at his brother’s suggestion that something—specifically his lingering feelings for Erin—was holding him back from using their mother’s ring to propose to Allie. But as soon as Will pointed it out, a part of him became fixated on that idea. Jay couldn’t stop thinking about the ring.

_That damn ring._

He’d kept it in the back of his locker at the precinct for _ages_ , unable to so much as look at the box. He had eventually mustered up the courage to stash it in the safe in the back of his closet. Somehow he’d managed to forget about it ever since. Until now.

Looking back now, he realized how ridiculous he had been. There was no way Erin would actually have said yes—they weren’t even together at the time. A part of him was glad he didn’t get the chance, because she deserved so much more than a rushed proposal outside the precinct when everything in her life was up in the air.

Jay paced back and forth beside the bed in Will and Natalie’s guest room, his cell phone pressed to his ear as listened to the endless ringing on the other end of the line. It was already mid-afternoon and he’d been calling and texting almost constantly since leaving Voight’s place that morning. He’d lost count how many times he had tried the number.

And she still hadn’t answered.

Truth be told, he would have been concerned if he didn’t know her so well; Erin Lindsay was as stubborn as they come.

“Damn it Erin, pick up your phone!” Jay grumbled to himself. He could feel the frustration starting to bubble up inside. He just needed to talk to her.

When the call clicked through to voicemail for what felt like the hundredth time, he left yet another message: “It’s Jay again. I really need to talk to you, _please_ call me back?”

After disconnecting the call, he flung himself down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to figure out his next step. He was going to go completely crazy sitting around making desperate phone calls for the rest of the day.

Will and Natalie took the boys to Owen’s t-ball game, so he was all alone in their eerily quiet house, at least for the next hour or so. And he couldn’t exactly go home—hell, he wasn’t even sure where home was anymore.

Both Antonio and Olinsky would be busy with their families, so they weren’t viable options, and Jay knew Upton had plans with her sister that afternoon. He considered texting Atwater to see if he wanted to meet up at the gym or something, though the idea of facing him wasn’t the most appealing. The last  time they saw each other, Atwater had caught him with his pants down—literally.

Intelligence didn’t even have an open case he could work on. With both Burgess and Ruzek out for the next week on their honeymoon, the unit was down two members. Voight had done everything in his power to keep their caseload as light as possible during that time.

There was absolutely nothing for him to do. He had no other way to occupy his time. So with a frustrated sigh, Jay heaved himself into a sitting position and dialled the phone number—which he had now memorized—yet again.

It rang several times, and just as Jay was gearing up to leave _another_ message, Erin’s voice came through from the other end of the line.

“Hello?”

To say Jay was surprised that she had finally picked up the phone would be the understatement of the century. He quickly jumped off the bed and started pacing around the room.

“Erin, it’s Jay. I just—”

“Leave me the hell alone!” She snapped, quickly interrupting his words. “Go back to your girlfriend and forget about me.”

“No, Erin you don’t—” But he was wasting his breath; Erin had already ended the call. He pulled his phone away from his ear and pressed redial. Unsurprisingly, it went straight to voicemail.

She had turned off her phone.

“Fuck!” Jay shouted, clenching his hands into fists as he somehow resisted the overwhelming urge to throw his cell phone across the room for the second time that day.

Instead, he took a deep breath and listened to her voicemail recording. Again.

He let the raspy sound of Erin’s voice calm him down—he hadn’t realized how much he had missed hearing it—as he prepared to leave another message.

At the sound of the beep, he let it all out:

“Erin, it’s Jay. I know you’re pissed at me. I know I fucked everything up. But I need to talk to you. _Please_ . I need to explain… I shouldn’t have run away from you the other night, just like I should never have run away from you four years ago… I’m the biggest idiot in the world, and you have every reason to hate me, but… I just really need you know… _I love you_.”

In that moment, Jay made a decision. He fired off a quick text to Will, threw the few belongings he had brought with him back into his duffel bag, and headed out the door.

He was going to do what he should have done four years earlier.

This time, he was going to fight for her.

Jay was going to New York.


	13. Chapter 13

_I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited_   
_But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it_   
_I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded_   
_That for me it isn’t over_

—Someone Like You (Adele)

 

Without a word, Mouse rose from his chair and walked into the kitchen. He yanked the drawer open with a surprising amount of force and grabbed her still-ringing phone. He glanced briefly at the caller ID before stalking back toward Erin and looking her directly in the eye as he slapped the device down onto the coffee table in front of her. “Answer it.” Without another word, he left the room and headed down the hall to his bedroom.

She hesitated briefly before leaning forward from her perch on the sofa, tentatively reaching for the phone that sat buzzing away on the coffee table. She sat frozen for a moment, her hand extended, hovering over the phone, as though touching it might burn her skin. When she finally turned turned it over to look at the screen—seeing a Chicago number blinking back at her—she sighed.

This was exactly why she had been so reluctant to answer her phone. Considering how she had left things in Chicago, she wasn’t surprised to be hearing from someone there. Sure, Hank knew where she’d gone, but as far as everyone else was concerned, Erin had dropped off the face of the earth. Again.

A part of Erin seriously considered ignoring her roommate’s words and leaving the call to go to voicemail. She _really_ didn’t want to talk to anyone. After all, she had fled Chicago in the middle of the night for a reason. But she had rarely seen Mouse act so… forceful. He was generally pretty easygoing, so to see him expressing such strong feelings was pretty meaningful to her. Over the years they had grown to trust each other implicitly, so she figured it would be a bit of a slap in the face to disregard his opinion in this situation.

Erin took a deep breath and held the phone to her ear, uttering a hoarse “Hello?” into the mouthpiece.

A moment passed, and just as she was beginning to think it was a prank call or a pocket dial or something, a voice rang out on the other end of the line.

“Erin, it’s Jay. I just—”

For a split second, Erin considered just hanging up. But she quickly gathered herself and decided to channel her anger and hurt and give him a piece of her mind first: “Leave me the hell alone! Go back to your girlfriend and forget about me.” With that, she ended the call. Sure, telling him off wasn’t the most productive—or mature—option, but at least it made her feel a _teeny_ bit better in the moment.

She immediately switched off her phone. She wasn’t interested in hearing anything he had to say. Hopefully she had made her feelings crystal clear and he understood that she wanted _nothing_ to do with him.

*

Jay went straight from Will’s house to the airport. With just the contents of his duffel bag—and still nursing the previous night’s hangover—he rushed to the nearest counter and bought a last-minute ticket on the first flight from Chicago to New York. It cost an absolute fortune, but Jay didn’t care. Frankly, if the ticket agent had asked him to shave his head or sign over his 401K in exchange for the ticket, he would have. He didn’t care about anything but getting his ass to New York and doing everything in his power to fix things with Erin. That was the only thought running through his head.

It was late by the time the plane landed and he’d maneuvered through the crowded terminal. As he stepped outside the airport and glanced up at the darkness of the night sky, Jay was suddenly struck by the realization that he had absolutely no idea how to find Erin. He’d been so focused on his overwhelming need to see her that he hadn’t even considered what he was going to do when he actually got to New York.

He didn’t know where she lived. And she had declined every single call he’d made to her cell phone since their brief conversation earlier that day.

Jay glanced down at his watch and saw that it was nearly midnight. Too late to try to call her again—not to mention that it had become glaringly obvious that that would be a wasted effort. Too late to call someone to ask for her address. Too late to do anything but hop in a cab and crash in the overpriced hotel room he had booked during the flight.

*

Erin barricaded herself in her room for the rest of the night, determined to avoid Mouse. She had had enough of the entire Chicago mess and just wanted to try to relax and forget about it.

Unlike earlier that day where she’d somehow managed to fall into a deep sleep, Erin spent the night tossing and turning. Whenever she did manage to fall asleep, her slumber was plagued by dreams—nightmares, really—about Jay. About their past together, about their fleeting moments in the last couple of days, about what could have been…

By the time the sun’s first rays began peeking through the curtains, Erin had given up on trying to sleep. She decided to channel her lingering frustrations into a workout instead, quickly hopping out of bed and rummaging around in her dresser for something to wear.

She shimmied into her favourite pair of black leggings, slipped a sports bra and a bright blue tank top over her head, then pulled her trainers out of her closet. As she sat on the edge of her bed to lace up her shoes, Erin mentally prepared herself to face Mouse and offer up some kind of explanation for what had—or rather, what _hadn’t_ —transpired during her phone call the night before.

But for the first time in what felt like forever, luck seemed to be on Erin’s side: the early morning hour had afforded her the perfect opportunity to continue avoiding Mouse. Somehow, she was up and about before her early bird roommate—another first. She rushed through the common areas of the apartment, filling up her water bottle and grabbing her wallet, keys, and phone, quickly tossing them into her bag as she hurried out the door.

As Erin strode through the doors at the gym around the corner from her apartment building—scanning her membership card at the desk—she was shocked to see it so busy. A quick glance at her watch reminded her that it was six-thirty in the morning, so the crowds made sense. While most people liked to get their workouts in before work, with Erin’s busy schedule (and her disdain for waking up any earlier than necessary), she generally hit the gym at some pretty odd hours.

After stashing her belongings in a locker, Erin spent the next hour taking out her anger on the punching bag. Every hit was an opportunity to release some of her stress. By the time she left the gym, Erin was already feeling like a different person.

Opting to shower back at home—she figured Mouse would be gone to work by now, so there was no need to continue trying to avoid him—she grabbed her bag and headed out. As she walked the two city blocks between the gym and her building, Erin pulled her cell phone out of her bag. She figured since she was back in the city anyway, she might as well head into the office for a few hours—sitting at home certainly wasn’t going to do her any good.

Still riding the high from her workout, she had somehow forgotten about the onslaught of calls she’d received the night before. After switching her phone back on, the device quickly sprang to life, lighting up with a multitude of text message and voicemail notifications. And aside from a missed call from Mouse and a quick text from Hank, every single notification was from that unsaved Chicago number.

 _Jay’s_ number.

Apparently she hadn’t made her feelings as clear as she’d thought. There were about a dozen missed calls, four or five text messages, and a voicemail alert all flashing away on the screen.

Erin deleted every single one.

*

Jay didn’t know why he’d even bothered checking into his hotel room. Aside from the fact that it had practically cost an entire paycheck, he would probably have been better off roaming the streets of New York City—he didnt get more than an hour or two of sleep. Instead, he spent the bulk of the night staring at his cell phone, willing it to ring.

He stayed sprawled across the feather-soft mattress as he watched the sun rising outside the window, its rays dancing across the skyline, beams of light reflecting against the sea of glass. He glanced at his watch for what was probably the hundredth time; he’d practically been counting the seconds until it was late enough to make the call. With the stress of the last few days, the last thing he needed was to be chewed out for phoning too early and waking up Hank Voight.

Jay continued to lay there, the silence only interrupted by the ticking of the hands of his watch. When they _finally_ moved into the eight o’clock position, he leapt off the bed and dialed his boss’ phone number. He barely gave the older man a chance to say hello before ploughing ahead, practically begging Voight to give him her address. It wasn’t lost on Jay that this was the _second_ time in as many days that he was desperately reaching out to Voight for information.

He had never moved faster in his life; he got dressed in a hurry, quickly gathering up his belongings before checking out of the hotel. After plugging the address into Google Maps, he hopped on a subway and made his way across the city. He was unable to stop his legs from bouncing up and down as he sat on the busy train, his nerves kicking into high gear the closer he got to her place.

Less than twenty minutes later, Jay found himself standing outside her door. He stared at the glossy black paint, holding his fist in the air as he took a moment to prepare himself. This was it. The moment of truth. At this point he could only hope he hadn’t _completely_ screwed up his chances. Jay took a deep breath as his knuckles connected with the door. He quickly pulled his fist back and shoved both hands into his pockets, taking a step backward as he waited for her to open up.

After what felt like hours (but realistically was only a minute or two), the door swung open, and Jay was met by his girl’s face staring back at him. Not that he had any right to call her that anymore. She stood frozen in place for a moment, allowing him the perfect opportunity to take her in.

She had clearly just stepped out of the shower—the wet towel flung over her shoulder offered further proof of that. Dressed comfortably in black leggings and an oversized grey t-shirt, her damp hair was screwed up into a messy bun on top of her head and she was fresh-faced and free of makeup.

To Jay, she had never looked more beautiful, even as she scrunched up her face in confusion. Even after all this time and after all that had transpired between them, he was still able to read her every emotion like a book. Just by the look on her face he knew that she wanted to know what the hell he was doing standing outside her door.

Awkwardly shifting his weight from side to side, Jay swiped his palm across his face before opening his mouth to speak, his voice hoarse, “Erin, I—”

She didn’t give him a chance to finish before slamming the door in his face.


	14. Chapter 14

_I will go down with this ship_   
_And I won’t put my hands up and surrender_   
_There will be no white flag above my door_   
_I’m in love and always will be_

—White Flag (Dido)

Jay found himself left alone in an almost unbearable silence. Alone with the devastating realization that perhaps this mess was beyond fixing, that he might have truly lost her this time.

 _No_ . He couldn’t accept that. He _wouldn’t_ accept that.

So instead of turning around and walking away, his knuckles quickly rapped against the door again. But this time, it didn’t open. This time, the only thing staring back at him was the plain black paint of her front door.

“Erin!” Jay called out, every fibre of his being hoping that she could hear him from inside. “Please open up! Please let me explain!”

He continued to knock his fists against the door until a woman walked by with her child—presumably one of Erin’s neighbours—and gave him a questioning look. Jay was caught off guard. When he realized how sketchy he probably looked, he quickly pulled his hand back from the door, awkwardly running his fingers through his hair. He plastered a fake smile on his face as he watched them walk by. His gaze remained fixed in their direction until they turned the corner and were out of sight.

With a weary sigh, Jay leaned his muscular back against the door, tilting his head up as he slowly let his body drop lower and lower.

“She has to leave eventually,” Jay mumbled to himself, groaning as he settled into an uncomfortable position on the floor outside Erin’s door.

He was not going to let go so easily this time (not that things had necessarily be _easy_ four years ago)—he refused to just let her disappear from his life again. He’d come all this way to talk to her, to make things right and win her back.

What they had, what they still _could_ have? It was worth fighting like hell for. And that’s exactly what he planned to do.

*

Erin was absolutely stunned. Never in a million years did she expect to open her front door and find Jay Halstead standing on the threshold. Especially not after all that had transpired in the last few days.

She had been almost paralyzed by the sight of him, unable to talk or move at first. But as soon as Jay’s lips moved to speak, she snapped out of her trance, all of her emotions flooding back as she slammed the door in his face.

Her hands were shaking as she clicked the deadbolt into place—not that she thought for a minute that he would actually break down her door. It was simply a self-preservation tactic, a means of putting as much space as possible between them.

Still trembling slightly, Erin let herself fall back, leaning further and further until the door was the only thing supporting her weight. She could hear Jay continuing to knock on the other side, could feel the rumblings of his hands connecting with the door. His voice called for her almost desperately.

There was a part of Erin wanted to open up and jump into his waiting arms, letting all of their past mistakes fall away.

But it wasn’t that easy.

Too much had transpired between them. Too much had happened in their lives. And now there was just too much pain and too much hurt. Just thinking about it for a moment sent Erin’s rage bubbling back to the surface.

_How dare he show up and ambush her like that?_

Even that fleeting moment with Jay was enough to send her into a tailspin; her hands were still shaky, her face flushed hot and red, and she suddenly felt nauseous. Erin screwed her eyes shut and took a few deep breaths to try to steady herself.

When she opened her eyes, she glanced down at her watch—it was closing in on nine o’clock. Even though Erin was _technically_ still on vacation, she had texted Agent Spencer earlier and let her know she was planning to come into the office. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do, and as far as she was concerned, work would be a welcome distraction from the nightmare that was her personal life.

Practically running down the hall to her bathroom, Erin stared at her distraught reflection for a moment before quickly splashing cold water on her face. Determined to just forget it all and try to move forward, she yanked her toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet and furiously brushed away.

Returning to her bedroom, Erin discarded her leggings and t-shirt in favour of some more office-appropriate attire. She wasn’t usually one for wearing much makeup, especially to work, but after a chaotic few days and a nearly sleepless night, Erin figured she probably looked like a total mess. After a quick glance in the mirror for confirmation, she brushed on some mascara and swiped a tinted lip balm across her lips.

Finally satisfied with her appearance, she hurriedly gathered her things from around the apartment, slung her bag over her shoulder, and prepared herself to head out. When she opened her front door, Erin was surprised by the body of Jay Halstead falling backward onto her feet.

“What the hell?” she exclaimed. When the knocking had ceased earlier, she figured he finally got the message and left.

Apparently not.

“Erin!” Relief was evident in his voice as he clambered to his feet.

“God dammit Jay, why won’t you just leave me alone!” Erin gritted out through clenched teeth, trying not to make a scene and give her neighbours something to talk about.

“I can’t do that!” Jay roared back, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. His voice softened as he continued, “I need you to hear me out, _please_.”

“No,” she said simply, her keys jingling as she locked her apartment door.

“What do you mean, _no_?” He knew Erin could be stubborn, but Jay couldn’t believe the walls she had built up between them.

Erin shoved her keys into her bag and turned in the direction of the elevator, not even looking at Jay as she responded. “I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” Her voice was surprisingly even. Calm.

“Please Erin!” Jay was practically begging as he started following her down the hall.

She continued to ignore him until she stepped into the elevator. As she pressed the button for the lobby, she looked up at Jay and spoke so quietly he wouldn’t have heard her if he hadn’t been standing so close.

“Just go away.”

*

As the doors slid shut, Jay was frozen, left standing alone in the hallway outside the elevator. He raised his left hand up to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers as he released a heavy sigh.

At that point, he didn’t know what to do.

He considered running after her—he was in shape, surely he could take the stairs and catch up to her in the lobby—but something in him was telling him to wait, to resist that urge and to give Erin some time. His appearance in New York had obviously thrown her for a loop. He needed to give her room to wrap her head around his presence.

So instead of following her, Jay settled back on the floor outside her door to wait for her to come back home. He needed to show her how serious he was about her, about their relationship, and the relationship he hoped they could have again one day.

_One day._

Jay managed a small smile as he thought back to that fateful evening all those years ago. The night of her high school reunion, the reunion they never even made it to. Sitting there in that dimly lit bar, sipping drinks as she told him stories about her younger days—he’d been completely and utterly entranced by her. He remembered how they had stared into each other’s eyes, full of longing as the thing he wanted most in the world— _her_ —was so close but still just outside of his reach.

He had fallen in love with her that night.

And after all these years, he was still in love with her. And he always would be. Though he’d somehow managed to bury his feelings for the last four years, one look at her sent them flooding right back until it was impossible to deny it for another moment.

Erin Lindsay was the love of his life. So he would sit there for as long as it took to prove it to her.

*

Erin had been on edge for most of the day.

After dodging Jay outside her apartment that morning, she caught the first subway downtown, quickly grabbing a coffee and a bagel from the cart outside the FBI’s New York field office. When the elevator doors opened on the twenty-fourth floor—the Counter Terrorism division occupied the entire level—Erin had been surprised by the sight of her partner standing there waiting for her.

With her arms crossed across her chest and a stern look on her face, Herrera looked ready for an interrogation. She had practically pounced at the sight of Erin, demanding that she spill all of the details of her visit to Chicago and explain what the hell she was doing back so soon. Fortunately for Erin, they were immediately pulled into a meeting room for the morning briefing, affording her the opportunity to evade the barrage of questions—she certainly hadn’t been in the mood to share, especially not at the office.

With no new leads to chase on their current case, they were stuck at headquarters, buried in paperwork. Normally the monotony of office work drove Erin absolutely crazy, but that day, she was beyond grateful for the distraction.

By the time she cleared out to head home for the night, the floor was basically deserted. With her nose buried in old case files all day, she had more or less avoided any interaction with her colleagues. Word of her bad mood must have spread quickly after she snapped at one of the new recruits; even Herrera got the memo and steered clear of her partner’s office, not even popping her head in to say goodbye at the end of the day.

It was after seven o’clock when Erin made it back to her apartment, ready to pour herself a stiff drink and curl up on her couch to watch highlights from the Hawks game.

But after turning her key in the lock to let herself in, she saw that her couch was currently occupied.

Jay Halstead was sitting there on the brown leather, his arm casually stretched across the back, nursing a beer. As far as Erin was concerned, he looked way too comfortable. Noticing her presence, he set his bottle on the coffee table and quickly rose to his feet, moving to approach her.

Before he had a chance to speak, Erin dropped her bag on the floor and shot a look of shock— _of horror_ —in his direction. “How the fu—?”

“I let him in.” Mouse’s voice called out from the kitchen, interrupting her. A moment later he joined Erin and Jay in the living room.

Erin turned to look at her roommate, her eyes shooting daggers at him as she momentarily forgot about the fact that Jay Halstead was in her apartment. “What the—? _Why_?”

“I couldn’t just leave him out there!”

“Out where?” She scrunched up her face in confusion.

“He was slumped on the floor outside the door when I got home from work,” Mouse explained. “He’d been sitting there all day!”

“I don’t care if he’d been sitting there for a _month_ , you had no right!”

“Um, guys?” Jay’s voice broke through.

Erin had almost forgotten he was there, she’d been so caught up in her argument with Mouse. She turned to face him, clenching her hands into fists, her nails digging into her palms. “You! Can you not understand me when I say: _I do not want to talk to you_ !” She stressed each word. “ _GET OUT_!” Just in case she hadn’t made herself clear enough,

“ _No_ ,” Jay began, echoing the word she had shot at him earlier that day. “I’m not going anywhere Erin. Not until you hear me out.” With that, he moved back toward the couch, flopping back down onto the cushions.

Mouse glanced back and forth between them—she, standing firmly in place with her hands on her hips, glaring at Jay; he, sitting there, his arms folded stubbornly across his chest, his gaze fixed on Erin. The tension between them could be cut with a knife.

“Um, I have a uh… I need to… I’ve gotta go,” Mouse stammered, desperate to clear out of there. As he grabbed his jacket off its hook by the door and slipped his wallet and keys into his pocket, he realized neither Erin nor Jay had even heard him—they were too focused on each other.

The front door slammed behind Mouse, startling them both.

Erin unconsciously shifted to look back in the direction of the sound, and in that instant Jay had once again hopped up off the couch and was _painfully_ close. His blue-green eyes were so focused on her she felt like he was staring into her soul.

 _Too_ close.

Suddenly feeling vulnerable, Erin’s instincts kicked in and she took a step backward. She had every intention of fleeing again, of running down the hall and locking herself away in her bedroom. Avoidance was in her nature after all; it may as well have been her middle name at that point.

But before she could take another step, she felt the warmth of Jay’s palm on her skin, his fingers wrapping around her wrist and pulling her back to him.

“Allie and I are done.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this story follows the events of 'I’m Fine' and 'Don’t Look Back' (the latter of which is particularly relevant here).

_Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts  
Risking it all, though it’s hard_

—All of Me (John Legend)

_“Allie and I are done.”_

Erin was so caught up by the feel of his skin against her own—the sparks that she couldn’t possibly deny, the feeling of warmth that was suddenly coursing through her veins—that it took her a minute to register what he had said. Realizing that he was waiting for her to say something, she blinked a few times in an effort to bring herself back to the present.

“Erin?” She didn’t think she could ever tire of that—the sound of her name on his lips. There was just something special about the way he said it that made it sound like the most important word in the world.

As his admission sank in, she pulled away from his touch like it had burned her. “What do you mean you’re  _done_? And why the hell do you think I even care?”

“Because I… I love you.” Jay answered simply, his voice soft and barely above a whisper.

Erin just shook her head slowly. “No, you don’t. You  _can’t_. You’re wrong Jay.”

“I’m not wrong Erin, you know that. Nothing could ever be like what we had. It was…  _everything_.” He tried to close the distance between them, but she took another step backwards.

“What we had was…” Her voice trailed off, lost in thought for a moment as snapshots of their relationship flashed through her mind. It was impossible for her to deny that he was one of the best things that had ever happened to her. “But… that’s not the point. You should go.” She sounded defeated, like their conversation had exhausted all of her energy. “Seriously Jay, you shouldn’t have come here. You should go back to Chicago… back to her.”

“Erin, I can’t do that.”

“It’s better this way. One of us will get hurt, it’s inevitable.” She ducked her head down, unable to look at him, not willing to let him see the pain on her face. “So please Jay, please just…  _don’t_. You need to go back to her. She can give you everything you deserve, things that I can’t give you. We both know it wouldn’t work between us. There’s no way you could possibly see a future with someone like me. You deserve so much better.”

“Jesus Christ, don’t you get it, Erin?! I’m in love with you!” Jay shouted, unable to contain his emotions for another second. He buried his face in his palms and took a deep breath before he continued. “I was going to fucking propose!”

Erin gasped and turned back; once again face-to-face, she could see the tortured look in his eye. “ _What_?”

“That day. The day you… left. When we met outside the district I… I had a ring in my pocket. My mom’s ring.” His voice was almost a whisper. They both understood the significance of his confession—Jay’s mother had meant the world to him.

“But… we weren’t even together?” Although she was stating a fact, the words left her lips in the form of a question, begging for an explanation.

“I know, and that was my fucking fault.” Jay laughed in spite of the situation. “What a fucking idiot I was. I was just trying to protect you, and instead I just made everything worse—so much worse. Leaving you… Erin, that was the biggest mistake I’ll ever make.”

She sighed, taking a minute to let his words sink in. She could feel her resolve weakening; despite everything that had happened between them, she wasn’t naive enough to deny that she still loved him more than anything in the world.

She just didn’t know if it was enough.

“I think… um… I think you should probably take some time, you know? Make sure this is what you really want? I mean, this time last week you had a girlfriend! And… well, I just… I need you to be  _sure_ , Jay. Because… I can't… I can’t lose you again. I won’t survive it.”

It was Jay’s turn to sigh. “I don’t need time Erin! It’s been four years… four years too long.” His voice was strong and level, but there was still a softness to it somehow. “I know what I want, Erin, and that’s you. Only you. Today, tomorrow, a year from now, two years from now, twenty, thirty, forty years from now. So  _please_ , stop trying to push me away!’

Erin lifted her head, feeling the familiar stinging of tears in her eyes as she allowed herself to meet his gaze.

He reached for her again, and by some miracle, she didn’t pull away, letting him take her hand instead. "I know you’re scared—I’m scared too. But I promise you, there’s nothing you could ever say or do that will change the way I feel about you. You’re  _it_ for me.”

In that moment, Erin knew it was time. She couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. She had to tell him. He deserved to know everything.

She slipped her hand out of his grasp and carefully made her way across the room, coming to stop in front of the massive picture window overlooking the New York skyline.

“Erin?” Confusion was evident in Jay’s voice as he watched her walk away from him. For a second it seemed like everything was falling into place—like they were finally on the same page—and then in the blink of an eye she was pulling away again.

“There's… there’s something else. Something you need to know…” She began, her voice shaking slightly, lacking her usual confidence. “It’ll change things for you. You won’t feel that way once you know.”

“Come on Erin, don’t say that.” Try as he might, he couldn’t help his voice from cracking. “Like I told you, there’s isn’t anything that could change the way I feel about you.  _Nothing_ could make me love you even a tiny bit less.”

Jay crossed the room to join her by the window. But instead of following her gaze to stare at the world outside, the shimmering lights and the hustle and bustle of the city below, he only had eyes for her. He thought about reaching for her again, but something inside him told him to give her some space. Call it self-preservation—he didn’t think he could handle the possibility of her rejecting him yet again.

“This will.”

“What’s going on? Talk to me.” He couldn’t help the nervous chuckle that escaped him. “You’re kind of freaking me out here…”

Erin paused for a moment, reaching up and tugging her hair behind her ears. “Um… when I left Chicago… when I got to New York… I… uh… I fell into a hole there for a while. Like before, like when…” She cut herself off; even all these years later it still hurt to think about losing Nadia. “I was a mess.”

A sad smile pulled at Jay’s lips; he knew exactly what she was referring to. “I get that Erin,  _trust me_ , I do. I wasn’t exactly in the best place myself for a while.”

“That’s not… I… uh… it was worse this time. Like I said, I thought I was fine at first. I thought I had everything under control—how much I was missing my old life, Chicago, the unit…  _you_ … but then…” She paused, staring out the window in a sort of trace, lost in thought. “You have a right to know… honestly I never thought I was going to see you again so I… I mean, I never thought we’d be having this conversation…”

His brow furrowed in confusion, his eyes silently questioning, but Jay didn’t dare speak. He was too afraid of spooking her; in all the years he’d known her, he’d never seen Erin Lindsay so shaken.

“When I left I… I was… pregnant.” The last word left her lips in the faintest whisper as she screwed her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from spilling. “I’m so sorry Jay.”

All colour drained from his face at her words. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but nothing came out. The words kept getting caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say—he could barely breathe, let alone speak. After a beat, he finally found his voice. It was rough—like he’d been silent for days or weeks or months instead of mere seconds—and he could only manage to croak out a single word.

“ _What_?”

He wanted to punch himself in the face. Of all the things he could possibly have said,  _that_ was by far the stupidest. But in his confusion, it was the only question that came to mind.

Erin could practically see the wheels spinning in Jay’s head; she knew she owed him more of an explanation. Unable to look at him, she crossed the room and perched on the edge of the couch, her eyes burning with unshed tears.

She took a deep breath, mustering up the strength to explain further. “I didn’t know, Jay.” She wiped the back of her hand at the tears that had started to spill down her cheeks. “Um, there was an explosion and… and I promise you, I had no idea. I wouldn’t have gone in if I’d known.”

Jay’s heart shattered at the sight of Erin, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. His instincts kicked in immediately; without a word, he rushed to her side, sinking into the leather sofa cushions and pulling her into his arms. He held her close, whispering apologies and pressing the softest of kisses against the top of her head.

He couldn’t stop his own tears from falling as he thought about what could have been.

For as long as he could remember, Jay had dreamed of being a father one day. He hoped for an opportunity to be the kind of dad he wished he had, to be everything his own father wasn’t.

He and Allie had a scare once; they hadn’t been as careful as the should have been and she was late. Jay remembered how he felt pacing around the apartment while she took the test—sick to his stomach and completely terrified. Back then he had just chalked it up to timing. But looking back, he realized he felt that way because deep down it wasn’t right. It wasn’t what he wanted—well, it wasn’t who he wanted it  _with_.

It had always been different with Erin. He’d fantasized about it so many times—building a family with her. Truth be told, he’d been imagining their life together for as long as he could remember. Holding her hand in the delivery room. That perfect pink bundle being placed in their arms for the first time. Dirty diapers. Sleepless nights. First smiles, first laughs, first words, first steps.

Images of their future together flashed through his mind. The future he’d dreamed about. The future he’d taken for granted. The future that slipped away. It was like some kind of twisted home video of everything they lost because he’d been such an fucking idiot.

Suddenly the guilt was overwhelming.

She shouldn’t have been alone. He should have been there with her.  _No_ , a nagging voice in the back of his head reminded him, _she shouldn’t even have been in New York in the first place_.

“I’m so sorry.”

The sound of yet another apology spilling from her lips pulled Jay from his thoughts. He pulled back, his head ducking slightly until they were face-to-face, their tear-filled eyes mirroring each other.

“Stop. It’s not your fault Erin.”

“If I hadn’t been so stupid. If I’d listened… if I hadn’t broken protocol and gone into that building—” Overcome with shame, Erin was unable to look at him for another second; she ducked her head down, effectively breaking their eye contact.

Jay reached up and cupped her face in his palms, tilting her head back up to face him. “Erin.” He brushed the pads of his thumbs against her skin, wiping away the tears that continued to roll down her cheeks. “It’s not your fault.” He repeated, his voice soft yet steady. He’d say it over and over again until she believed him. Forever if he had to.

“It’s  _my_ fault. Everything would have been different if I wasn’t such a damn fool.” He leaned in, resting his forehead against hers. Allowing himself to be comforted by their closeness, his eyes flickered shut. “You shouldn’t have had to go through any of that. I’m just…  _fuck_ I’m so sorry Erin.”

*******

**Please let me know what you think of this! xo**


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